I believe God that has been preparing me for this moment and for this season of my life. He has been working in my heart, giving me purposeful relationships, and continually and graciously pours down opportunities, blessings, and even trials into my life that help me to see His face more and more through the thick and the thin.
And it is wonderful.
Needless to say, walking this life with God is the most wonderful part of life itself.
This leads to where I am today, to who I am today, and to where God is currently leading me.
Many things have happened to shape me to who I am currently, and this is going to be my attempt to share some of the journey and some of the people and stories that have brought me to where I am today. Yep, I already know that this might very well become the longest post I have ever written (you can’t say I didn’t warn ya!), but a lot of things need to be said before I cut to the chase.
So, allow me to explain.
For more than 2 years now, I thought full-time dancing was what I wanted for myself. Even though I started very late, I wanted it. From the moment I started dancing and from the moment I set foot in a dance studio, a deep hunger sparked to learn more, know more, do more. I loved it. I craved it. I couldn’t wait to finally finish school so that I could finally commit myself fully to dancing. I had discovered a passion within me that, still to this day I can say, cannot be simply taken away. Once you experience dance for what it is, purely, honestly, and openly. Once you actually immerse yourself into the dance and get lost in the process of it, while on that floor, wherever that floor may be- your family room, your classroom, your studio, your backyard, your garage, your corner- even for a very short amount of time, it feels like everything in that moment. Whether there is music being played or not, there is a power in movement and a power in everyday sounds that one can’t help but to respond to. The power of movement and the passion that lives within each breath, the passion that lives within eachcount, the passion that lives within each contact with another dancer, the passion that lives within each movement and placement of every single body part, the passion that lives and resides within each sharp movement makes me feel so very alive. I didn’t even grow up with dance. Actually, I was the one kid in our family who was always too shy to dance or to do any sort of movement. But something changed for me as I was nearing the end of high school and reaching college. I discovered dance, and I didn’t want to ever let it go. I can honestly say that in my personal, spiritual walk with God, dance has also helped me to see Him so much more. The intricacies of our bodies that allow us to move every which way, to glide from one part of the room to the next, to allow us to fight to pull up in every ballet class (an everyday battle), to give us the brain juices to piece together our emotions and our thoughts and to translate it down onto not only paper, but into our bodies and out into the world. I strongly believe that God gave us dance for a very good purpose. This is truly a gift from God. Dance is truly a gift from God. Not everyone in the world gets to experience it, but those who have and those who do know exactly what I mean when I say that there is an indescribable feeling that often comes to you while you are dancing. Sometimes it even gets you teary and makes your knees weak (literally), and sometimes it even gets you so hyped up that you feel like you can conquer the world! At times, it could be absolutely insane and absolutely beautiful, but it is what it is and it is real. Dance is a beautiful gift, and once it enters into your life and once you are able to feel that connection from the top of your head and down to the tips of your toes, you know. This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever met, dance is one of the most beautiful things I have ever met. Though it came later than I would have liked, it came and that’s all that matters. To this day, I still want it, I still love it, and I still crave for it.
Dance is a gift, and I don’t intend to ever let it go.
And I still don’t.
However, I can’t deny the fact that God has been tugging at my heart for a while now, in a different way. I had been trying to convince myself that right here was exactly where I wanted to be and where I needed to be, and I was perfectly okay with that. I have an amazing tight-knit, super close family, an incredible relationship (by the grace of God) of almost 7 years, I have so many close friends and loved ones who have always loved me and supported me, I live in a lovely home just outside of Los Angeles, I have the greatest (maybe I’m bias) little pup as a best friend, I have an awesome church where I’m continually trying to grow in community, and I have access to all kinds of dancing all around me. What’s not to love!? I have everything that I need and SO much more. Not to mention, I have parents who support me and who I know would be completely behind me if I chose to give up everything to pursue dance. It’s a blessing, and I know others aren’t as fortunate as this. Needless to say, life is very swell around these parts and dare I say– comfortable.
While dance has been a longing of my heart, God continued to open my eyes to so much more. Not to say that dance isn’t already more than enough, because it really is more than enough and an absolutely pain-staking yet passion-driven process, but God showed me many things through different experiences within this last year alone. These different experiences, stories and these very opportunities that sort of changed my life were actually the littlest opportunities that had presented themselves to me, or at least I thought they were little. They weren’t big stretches that called me to go way out of my comfort zone, they weren’t mission trips to foreign lands nor were they even planned out. They kind of just happened, where I came in with little to no expectations, just ready to do what I needed to do. However, God always works in mysterious ways and these little opportunities kind of just took a hold of my life and shook me.
In the best way possible!
And I’m so thankful.
This past year, I have been volunteering and working at two different Boys and Girls Clubs.
At first, it started off as a simple internship for a class that I needed to take. And, of course, it became so much more and turned into a stepping stone to where I am today. During this time, I have been able to build relationships with different kids who, quite honestly, kind of changed my life and kind of changed my heart forever, and for the better. There was a specific little boy, Mandel, who had a smile that would bring my heart so much peace. He became like a little brother to me and I fell in love with his smile, his heart, his stories, his joy and even his pains. He’d cry to me about girls and he’d even cry to me about his family. Even though he was often left out from the “cool kids”, he had a joy that was so contagious, and it was the kind of joy that I was always drawn to whenever I came. Another little gal, Michelle, also changed me forever and for the better. People would always call her names and make fun of her for the way that she looked, but her company was one of the best company I have ever had, and she easily became one of the most beautiful little girls I had ever met. She had a heart that was dedicated to giving, to serving, and to loving her little sister, her cousins, and her friends. Past all of the remarks and all of the bullies, I knew that this girl was truly a gem and that a heart as big as hers, though she was much younger than me, would certainly fill mine.
Meeting these two crazy kiddies changed me. Yeah, they might be more than 10 years younger than me, but I would say that they taught me more than I taught them, and this certainly wasn’t something that I was expecting to gain when I signed up to volunteer. They reinforced the passion on my heart for people, for children, for relationships. The absolute importance of fostering the relationships in your life and being opened to new ones because these are also blessings and gifts that help us to see the goodness, grace, and even the existence of God.
Needless to say, the more I spent time with all kinds of children this past year, the more my heart changed. My heart started to ache even more for people, especially for disadvantaged children who live in areas with a lower economic status. My heart grew heavy, and I couldn’t and can’t ignore it. I started to see that no matter where a child comes from, they should never ever be dismissed. No matter how much younger they are than you, they have the power to teach you more than you will ever expect to learn. They will not only teach you, but they will give. They will give you joy, they will give you laughter, they will give you love, they will give you generosity, they will give you their smiles, they will give you their stories, they will give you hope, they will give you their heartaches, they will give you ideas and they will give you a vision to see that life is bigger than the one that you are currently living.
As time went on, my heart grew heavy.
And heavy.
Another recent experience was my opportunity to go on a church retreat with 3 different Korean churches.
I had already written about some of it here, but I need to mention it again for different reasons. First of all, it sort of just happened and I had absolutely no expectations. I had been invited by my old co-worker to come as a leader of a group of young people who I had never met and live a few days with people I had never known. It was an uncomfortable situation, sure, but I was never really nervous for it. I had gone to numerous church retreats growing up that I thought I knew exactly what it would be like and exactly how it would go. But then, God always has His way of showing up in ways we never expect, of course. I found myself hanging out with a group of girls from Korea who spoke little to no English. Despite the language barrier, an incredibly strong bond emerged between each of us, especially between me and a thirteen-year-old girl named Maria. It was this retreat that reinforced for me the passion in my heart for people, no matter where they came from and no matter what language they spoke, I wanted God to use me. I don’t know how I got so close to a group of girls who spoke a different language than me, but it happened, and it was amazing, and I promise it was all God. Aside from the fact that my eyes were opened to the beauty of worshiping God truly and honestly with people you had never met before, and the fact that these people would quickly become like brothers and sisters to me in the span of only 3-4 days changed me. My eyes were opened even bigger to the beauty of relationships and the beauty of praying to God, no matter what language you speak- He understands all of us, and He will listen.
God used Maria to speak into my heart and to show me that love cannot be confined and that it cannot be suppressed. God used this thirteen-year-old girl to show me that life is so much bigger than living for me, and I know this is something I’ve known, but she made it more real and really put things in place for me. She showed me love in action, and she showed me genuine compassion. Love needs to be given so that it will not be lost. She showed me that if we invest our lives and our love completely in God, He will lead us and He will continually let His love pour through our lives and out into the lives of many others– if we let Him.
Needless to say, my heart kept growing heavy.
And heavy.
And heavy.
I love where I am and I love what I am doing, I honestly do. But I can’t ignore the fact that a combination of these experiences and so much more brought me to where I am today. As stories grew on stories and as my heart continued to be opened to the fact that maybe full-time dance here isn’t the answer, I became opened to it. I found myself coming home and secretly researching and looking up different opportunities for me to wreck myself even more. Opportunities to die to myself and to live a life at the service of others and, ultimately, at the service of God. I know that opportunities like that are all around me, but my heart grew heavier for people of all cultures, all backgrounds, all stories, all around the world- and I want to hear them and I want them to be heard. I want to see these people and I want them to be seen. God was weighing upon my heart the desire and calling to go out and to get out.
Like, you know, get out.
I long to see them all, meet them all, hear them all. I long to dance with people all over the world and to study cultural dance globally. I long to dance on mountaintops and on dirt roads where children’s running footprints have been pressed. I long to joyously dance alongside orphans and prostitutes, and I long to celebrate life with them because of the redemption that we have found in Jesus Christ alone. I long to make friends out of strangers, share meals, share stories, carry burdens. I long to be the hands and feet of Jesus and to give love because of the greatest kind of love that my Maker has given to me. I long to keep getting up after every fall and I long to never ever give up. I long to see a new generation of women filled with flaming self-respect and dignity, who walk around with strong hearts that make them beautiful beyond belief. I long to see a people who strive for perfection, yet a people who solely place their identity and worth in the perfection found in the life of Jesus Christ alone. I long to ride strange animals and eat strange, foreign foods. I long to live this life fearlessly, carrying only a fear of God. I long to bring a voice to those who have been silenced because I believe that everyone has a right to be heard. I long to bring the gospel to the hidden crevices of this beautiful Earth. I long to dance my way through the intricate patterns and colors that come alongside individual cultures. I long to love people for who they are, not for who they pretend to be. I long to dig deeper at all times and I long to live with complete joy even amidst tribulation because my God is greater and my God is stronger.
In my search for overseas opportunities, I knew that I have a passion within me for God, for celebrating His love by giving His love, for dance, for being able to purely dance for the pure joy of dancing with all kinds of children, for relationships, for pursuing relationships for the sake of expanding His kingdom for His glory, and not my own.
I was introduced to the World Race last year and when I first read about it, I smiled and immediately pushed it away… and for different reasons. First of all, the money? Ridiculous. How would I ever raise enough money!? Secondly, being away from my family and the people I love for that amount of time? You’re kidding. I can’t imagine being away from these tight-knit relationships I’ve built for years for that long. Thirdly, placing myself in a situation where I would be forcedto be uncomfortable, be forced to die to myself, and to live in poorer conditions with only a backpack for an entire year, and maybe not even a shower in tow? That’s really scary.
Scary!? Definitely. But at the same time, it was on my heart.
Days passed, and it was still on my heart.
Months passed, and it was still on my heart.
I started following World Race blogs and I started praying about it more and more. I started to see it as an amazing opportunity for me to be the hands and feet of Jesus to people all over the world. I started to see it as an opportunity to get really uncomfortable. I started to see it as an opportunity for me to foster my love for dance by praising His name through dancing with people all over the world. I started to see it as an opportunity to celebrate the gospel and to celebrate the lives of amazing people who have stories that need to be heard. I started to see it as an opportunity to even possibly open doors overseas for me to study cultural dance even more closely, and even globally, in it’s most natural, raw environment. I started to see it as an opportunity to build even more relationships for the sake of building one another up in the most important relationship that we will ever have, our relationship with God.
I want to strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman and I want to open my arms to the poor and extend my hands to the needy (Proverbs 31:20). I want to strive to be more than a dancer, but a dancer who dances through this life for His glory alone (Psalm 149:3). I want to respond to this heaviness on my heart and this calling that God has been placing within me by literally going out into the world to serve others to ultimately bring Him glory (Isaiah 6:8). I want to live radically and uncomfortably and I want to run this race and I want to fix my eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-3). In times of hardship and in times of trials, I want to look to Him and be evidence of the fact that His power and His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I want to love others so passionately and so intensely, that my love would lead others to see that love itself is the greatest gift and that it comes from God, who gave us the greatest act of love in the gospel (1 Corinthians 13:13 and 1 John 4:8). Whatever I do and wherever I am, I want God to use me and I want to be a vessel that allows others to see the reality of God within my life, and, in turn, in their own lives as well.
I understand that this path isn’t for everyone, and I understand that to each their own and everyone has their own place, and that’s another thing that makes this existence beautiful. We are all different and we all have our own passions, and these passions are gifts that we need to utilize to their full capacity. With that said, I’m not giving up dance, I’m just going another way with it. Let me tell you, as long as God allows my physical body to do so, I plan to be dancing my way through whatever journey He places before me. I want to use it as a way to build relationships and I want to use it as a way to declare the goodness of God in my life. I want God to use all that is within me, all my heart, all my gifts, all my passions, all my love, and all of me for Him and His glory alone, no matter where I go, wherever He decides place me.
Even more than all of this, I want to be obedient to God and I want to continually seek His will. Despite the many loved ones in my life who don’t really want me to go, I know that God has been placing this absolutely divine tug on my heart to simply, go. A weird peace came over my heart when I made the decision to commit to going, and it’s a heaviness that brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart just thinking about. I know God has been calling me, but I’ve been too afraid. I’ve been coming up with all kinds of excuses that I failed to see that the very thing that might be good for me may very well be the very thing that freaks me out the most. Every time I would sort through my head the different reasons and excuses for staying, like other amazing opportunities that I could totally pursue and take up… I would talk to God again and it would become ever more clear to me that I need to trust Him and just go. I can’t shake this off and I can’t ignore this heaviness and this calling. I’ve tried, but I can’t do it. I can’t.
Also, I see this opportunity not as a conclusion to my education, but I see it as an extension of my education. While grad school isn’t currently in my future (who knows!? maybe one day it will be!), I believe that the beauty, the pains, the stories and the people all around the world would teach me many things and many life lessons that a college textbook will never be able to.
And you know what !? My God is with me. My God can do anything and in Him, I know I am safe.
It’s important to me that I write about all of this on here for the World Wide Web because I have been blogging for seven years now! Yes, SEVEN years. I have been taking record of some of my most significant lessons and experiences and posting them onto my personal blog for the past 7 years (some of which are very silly, but great to look back and laugh at nonetheless). It sure is interesting and amazing to see how God had led me all the way to who I am today, where I am today, and where I will be going.
And so, here I am!
Without further adieu, I am going to take a leap of faith. I pray to be the hands and feet of Jesus and to give love to every person that I have yet to meet around the world, because of the greatest gift of love God has given to me. And let me tell you, I have never felt more at peace about a decision. It’s absolutely terrifying in some ways, but my heart is even more joyful and calm in the LORD. I will be leaving (God-willing, because tomorrow is never promised to us) in July 2014 on a journey around the world for 11 months, a different country every month. I will be packing a backpack to make not my way, but God’s way, through different countries and continents with other brothers and sisters in Christ to celebrate many lives around the world, to celebrate the joys of dancing with people all around the world, and ultimately, to celebrate and to declare the gospel all around the world.
And my heart is doing a happy dance.
A really, REALLY happy dance.
xx.
