Where do I even begin!?
I’ve been counting the days since last September for this day to finally come. I would dream of being finished with my undergrad, I would dream of the liberating feeling that would come with taking my last final, I would dream of finally packing my packs for the first time, I would dream of road tripping to Georgia with my parents for training camp, I would dream of having the freedom to take as many photos and videos as I’d like, and of sharing these stories with the world.
And that time is actually HERE.
My countdown is now ZERO days till the big road trip, because I am currently on the road as I type this. Literally. The sky is glowing with the remainders of the sunset as we cruise down the 10 east in New Mexico, and my heart is so joyful. My heart is so happy, my heart is completely full, and my face is getting more wrinkles from smiling too much. 🙂
Prior to this day, I was experiencing the most challenging week of my year so far- emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually- I was running dry, and there were many tears. The enemy was attacking me in every way possible and taking every opening to shoot flaming darts at my heart and my soul. I felt like he was trying even harder and ever more aggressively to weaken me, taking every chance to kick me while I’m down and make me feel unworthy. The temptations were incessant and my heart was suffering, as if the enemy knows exactly where I’m going and as if he knows exactly what I’m going to be doing, and he doesn’t want me to do it. I know that his goal was to strategically zap out every ounce of strength, passion, and joy in the LORD within me… And I’m not gonna lie, I let the him in. I allowed myself to yield to the flesh in so many weak moments, and I failed to yield to the Spirit. And at such a crucial time, as I am preparing to leave on a backpacking journey to bring the gospel and the love of God to the nations through servanthood, it was even more heartbreaking and discouraging to see myself fall into such a dark place. It killed me to see the places where I was allowing my thoughts and my heart to wander off to, and God didn’t stop working. He never does. I know I was hurting, but imagine how much more God was hurting for me? God remained (and remains) faithful, even when I am faithless. He saw His own daughter struggling to fight for joy in Him, and amidst the blows of the enemy, God kept pulling for my heart and I felt it. I knew He was (and is) always there. He kept placing miracles right before my very eyes but I was too stubborn to acknowledge them. He pursued me relentlessly, even when I was pursuing myself. He kept using specific people and specific happenings to remind me of His powerful, transforming love and of His great plan for me. All of which reminded me of the absolute importance of walking each and every single day with Him, because like He said…
“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8
I cried out to Him and I fought for Him, and He spoke to me even in the littlest, most amazing ways, reminding me that He is with me, that He will take care of me, that I need to trust Him.
Quite frankly, I didn’t start packing for this trip until last night (and by the way, practicing the art of packing your life into a backpack!? That struggle is REAL y’all’s.) and I knew that there were many things missing that I needed to bring with me. I had been looking for these things for months now and I was pretty doubtful of whether they would show up or not… but this time around, I chose to trust Him. I laid it all down at His feet and I prayed. I gave it all to Him and I prayed that He would reveal these missing things to me if it was His will, but that He would also grant me the maturity and the understanding to be okay, even if they never showed up. But regardless, trust was weighing on my heart, and I went with it.
Five minutes later, everything started showing up- one by one.
As I was packing, these missing items started showing up QUICKLY. It was funny because I had been going crazy over these things the past few months. Often resorting to complaining and grunting out of frustration, I was a mess. God revealed them to me once I decided to fully surrender myself to Him. One by one, things started coming to the surface, and each time I would find something I had been missing, I started laughing. It was a great reminder of the importance of choosing to fully depend on God and choosing to truly trust in His will for your life… because no matter what, He will take care of you. As long as you draw near to Him, He will draw near to you in ways you would have never imagined. I laughed because of the way that God was perfectly orchestrating things in order to show me that He is in control, not me. To show me that He will continually pave the way before me and that He will never leave me nor forsake me in this journey.
At the end of the day, God showed me that He has me in His hands. Even through the spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical storms of this past week, He held on tightly to my heart. Truly, His love never fails, it never gives up, and it never runs out on us. We ought to take joy in this and we ought to have hope in His unending love for us! Forever God is faithful, forever God is strong, and forever God is with us.
And now, I am here.
Writing to you from the back of a car, encouraging you to do the same. Fully surrender yourself to the LORD and He will take care of you. He will give you strength in your weakness and He will leave you in complete awe because of life’s little miracles that are only made possible because of Him.
And that is why I am here.
I am here to proclaim those miracles.
I am here to tell stories of His powerful love for us.
I am here to show His strength that is made perfect in my weakness.
I am here to remind others of the hope that we have in Jesus Christ.
And most importantly, I am here to be a vessel.
“Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.” Matthew 6:10
Friends and family, we are in the HANDS of a LIVING GOD.
And, don’t even get me started on God’s provision… that’s for another post. 🙂
x.
