She’s still missing, the girl I used to be
The one so full of confidence and joy that all could see…
The one so full of confidence and joy that all could see…
“Hey God, so I’m trying not to stress out, trying not to get overworked or overwhelmed. Please keep me calm and give me peace. Use this experience to shape my life. Use it well Father…
So, there’s some people on my squad that I am absolutely certain I will get along with, but then there are others that are already… well, annoying. They already make me uneasy, and I feel like they don’t get it… I don’t know. I’m really excited to meet some of them at training camp. Super stinkin’ excited to hug, high-five, and bond with them. … But then there are others that cause me to be apprehensive, I pray God uses this. I pray He takes this away and brings me peace over these people.”
So, there’s some people on my squad that I am absolutely certain I will get along with, but then there are others that are already… well, annoying. They already make me uneasy, and I feel like they don’t get it… I don’t know. I’m really excited to meet some of them at training camp. Super stinkin’ excited to hug, high-five, and bond with them. … But then there are others that cause me to be apprehensive, I pray God uses this. I pray He takes this away and brings me peace over these people.”
This (the part in quotes) was a portion of my prayer Monday morning as I sat through our last staff meeting before open house that afternoon. I was tired and distracted by the thoughts and lack of sleep that resulted from a late night Skype session with my team. I had been really excited to Skype with them all when I was finally free to be called into the chat. Things went well after that. At first it was just three of us from our squad, and apparently we’re all listeners. Conversation was a little slow in the beginning, a little awkward in truth, but it was a good time. As the night wore on, various people joined and dropped from the call. I met some new faces and laughed with everyone. It was extremely good for my heart that always gets a little insecure in situations with new people. Yet, at one point, I started to feel weird again. Started to be apprehensive again, and the insecurities flooded my brain.
Over the course of the next four months, I’m going to meet and interact with several new people: my squad, other squads (at TC), people from my new job, new youth ministry students, people who want to hear about the race, and the list could go on. Countless new people to meet, smile at, and befriend. And those numbers don’t even begin to compare to the number of people I’ll meet on the race; to the number of those that God will place in my life. I’m not that great at meeting new people, at breaking in crowds, and that’s what I’ll be doing non-stop for the next fourteen months of my life. Seriously?!
I’m not stressed out about or in fear over financial provision, emotional support from friends and family, acquring all the necessary shots and gear, or meeting each deadline. It crosses my mind, and I get a new urge to be organized and check a few things off the “To Do” list. However, none of those things truly stress me out. Meeting new people 24/7? Now that stresses me out. As I walked through the school hallways this morning, I realized that there’s no “Seriously?!” necessary. God is going to use these next fourteen months to challenge me in ways that I never thought possible. To stretch me, mold me, to make me more of who He desires me to be. And He desires for me to get over this fear of people. Because this fear I have isn’t from Him.
It’s fitting, when I think about it, that this is where I’m getting attacked. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with being good enough. I’ve struggled with being accepted by others. And now that I’m in a position where meeting new people and being accepted is a major part of my life, of course Satan wants to sneak on in. And that bothers me! It bothers me because he is the king of lies, and I, a daughter of the One true King, am letting him whisper fallacies into my life and heart. It bothers me because I’m failing to remember the Truth that has been instilled within me. It bothers me because… I haven’t always been this way. I was really outgoing when I was little; didn’t have a care in the world about what people thought of me. I’d meet anybody, smile at everybody, and make new friends wherever I went. One day, though, that little girl was gone. Since middle school I’ve wondered where she is; I’ve tried to find her. Yet, to no avail. She’s still missing, and I don’t know when, if ever, she’ll be found.
I’m praying she shows up again; praying that she comes back. I want to be her again. I want to let go of that baggage left over from middle school. Let go of the bags that have been filled so many times through the years; the baggage that nearly buried me last summer. I want to be that girl who will meet anybody, smile at everybody, and make new friends wherever she goes.
I want to be me.
This is the verse God put in my devotion this morning (how fitting! He’s so great like that!), and it will serve as a beautiful reminder that I am the work of His hands and His alone. And by remembering this beautiful truth, I will always be me:
“Yet, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are
our potter; we are all the work of Your hand.” Isaiah 64:8
our potter; we are all the work of Your hand.” Isaiah 64:8
She’s still missing, the girl I used to be
The one so full of confidence and joy that all could see
She’s still hiding, the girl I used to be
But she’ll be back again, with unsurpassing peace.
The one so full of confidence and joy that all could see
She’s still hiding, the girl I used to be
But she’ll be back again, with unsurpassing peace.
