“But as for you, continue in what you have learned
and have become convinced of, because you know
those from whom you learned it…” 2 Timothy 3:14
and have become convinced of, because you know
those from whom you learned it…” 2 Timothy 3:14
Thinking back about a year and a half ago, I simply am in awe of our Great and Mighty Savior. It is hard to believe I have been home for so long, hard to believe my time on H Squad and the World Race was so long ago. My life is definitely nothing I dreamt it would be, nor is it anything I imagined. It is simply an example of Christ and lots of slips and bumps. As I continue to seek God, continue to pursue Him and all the passions He puts in my heart, I reflect on what once was and on what I have learned. I am a big believer in not living in the past, I try to look at it as though I may be Lot’s wife…don’t look back or a pillar of salt I might become. But I do believe God has so much for us to learn from the past to influence our future. Now though I am not the best at keeping in touch with all of my fellow H squad, I do want them all to know, every single one of them changed my life and every one of them has influenced and inspired me for the better.
When I accepted the challenge God put in front of me, travel the world being His hands and feet for 11 months I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea how my theology would be trampled, how my faith would be challenged, how my pride would be destroyed, or how my heart would learn to love. I never imagined having a desire to pursue missions full time, nor did I think I could possibly miss a group of people I had never met before the way I miss them. Honestly, I thought I would “do good” and be ready for the 9-5 job America has to offer. I thought if I was lucky I would meet a few people I “clicked” with and stay in touch with them. But from day 1 God rocked my world. Immediately I knew the calling was permanant and full time, faith based, missions. I knew I was certainly not “doing good” rather I was messing up and God was “fixing” everything I touched, and simply said, He does this and allows us to get our hands dirty to show us His glory. As for the few I “clicked” with, yes, I have them and cherish them deeply, but not one person since training camp, has left my heart. Each person is someone I pray for each day, someone I think about, or smile when something reminds me of them. I also thought I wouldn’t be hurt by these “Godly people” who were part of this trip. I was wrong. I remember during our first debrief when I found out someone had accused me of something I had never done, I remember being so angry and hurt. How could someone who was serving God do something like that? At the time I thought I was angry at the person, but in reality, the reason I shut down, wasn’t because I was angry at the person, but rather I was angry at God. Why would He let that happen? As the months continued and I grew and learned more, I forgot about the anger I had towards God and this person and I continued to serve. But deep down I had shut down and I never really let anyone in after that…at least none of my squad mates. To them I apologize. It was easy to become close to our contacts or the amazing people we met overseas, it was easy to trust them and easy to see God in them. It was more difficult to see past the flaws in my teammates through eyes that had already shut down.
On this journey of missions I received healing in every sense of the word. I learned what it means to really love someone and what it means to really forgive . I learned what it means to sit back and really let God be God. I finally began to understand the scriptures in a new and meaningful way. I began to embrace what God put in my heart and truly clung to what His promises are. I stepped out in faith and walked on water. And when I slipped, when I questioned, when I simiply didn’t want to do it any more, I was covered in my prayer, filled with God’s grace, and loved more than I could have ever imagined by my team.
I feel in love with countries and ministry partners I would never have imagined before. I enjoyed things that pulled me out of my comfort zone. I learned about the medical care in almost every country (not sure if that was suppose to be a good thing, but God certainly is using that knowledge for the good!). I learned how to stretch the money we had, and how to beg someone to eat….and that someone I love her more and more for stretching me! I learned how to intercede, even when in my flesh I didn’t want to. I learned it was ok to cry, to simply cry, no matter what, it was ok. It was ok to truly feel what God was letting me feel, and I really didn’t need to explain it. I learned this mission trip was less my serving the mission and more of God making me His mission. It was more about letting God change me than God using me to change the world.
I want to encourage those who are considering the World Race and challenge those who have turned away from it. This trip is like no other. If it scares you, good, it should. Its scary admitting we need to change, it’s even scarier when it’s happening and you are fighting it. Its scary admitting you are going around the world with people who have flaws just like you. It’s scary admitting you are wrong and so are they. It’s scary trusting someone younger than you, someone older than you, someone you know little about. It’s scary because in our flesh we see the physical, but if we rest in God’s presence allow our spirit to lead us, it’s really not so scary. It’s an adventure, one I’m beyond grateful for, and one I hope you too will experience.
“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.
Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent
as doves” Matthew 10:16
