In my life I have taken on several different roles. I have been a child of the most high God, a daughter, a sister, a niece and a cousin; a best friend, a girl friend, a leader, a follower, a student, a teacher, an employee, an employer; a volunteer, an advocate, a lost soul, a redeemed child of God. Now…a MISSIONARY.
Wait a minute! A what? Yes, a missionary. For the first time I have stopped and asked the Lord…” You want me to do what?” And how I love His sense of humor…as He responds…” I am only giving you what you have asked for.”
How true that is.
I asked God to take me out of my comfort zone and I told Him if I feared nothing I would do what He asked. So why now, why was I now acting like I don’t know why I am doing this?
I am afraid…that is why. Well, I’m not anymore, but I was.
Fear, Satan’s tool. I was afraid of where do I fit in? Where do I belong? I am not the prettiest, the smartest, the funniest, the most organized; I am certainly not the best athlete. My singing is joyful NOISE for the Lord, I’m not tall but not too short. I truly do not know WHERE I fit in. I began to fear. To fear everything. I am recovering from a cold/flu type bug and not physically where I want to be and where I know I am when I am 100%. I began to worry that I would be sent home if I could not be where I would have been had I not gotten sick. That fear overwhelmed and took complete control of my mind for about a week. I even at one point thought, what if I’m not “broken” at training to the extremes. Will they think that I’m not “spiritually” ready. Finally I spoke to a group of amazing Godly women who are some of my closest friends. I shared with them my fears and then I realized that part of my fear was sharing with my teammates how I felt. So I did. I shared with a group of you how I was feeling. I realized that the majority of my feelings were in fact mutual. The Lord revealed to me that first, I am not the only person going through these emotions and second, transparency! Be open and honest. God reminded me that no one person can place judgment on me nor can I on them. He reminded me that HE and HE ALONE is the Great Physician and I am to rest in Him! As I was putting up the flag at work the other day, He then reminded me that this is the enemy planting doubt and fear. The enemy doesn’t want me to go. The enemy remembers me saying, “IF I was NOT AFRAID I would do and go where ever the Lord sends me” The enemy knows that it is God who removed the fear and the Holy Spirit who keeps it from coming back. So it is Satan who is trying to bring the fear back. The Lord shared with me over lunch today with my co-worker and dear friend Judi, that “brokenness” is not measured. He shared with me how He has already broken me with all that my life has endured and that Yes there will be more to come, but that I need not measure it because no one else will. My brokenness can never be compared to another’s.
So here I am, giving it all back to Him, never losing hope. Picking up the script and going along with the role of Missionary. Knowing, truly knowing, that this is His plan, not mine, and knowing that MY STORY…MY STORY is all a part of HIS PLAN!
