Broken but Beautiful

However,
I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and
complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the
gospel of God’s grace. Acts 20:23

Who am I if I am not
the walking example of Christ Jesus? This
is a question the Lord asked me several days ago. The way He stated it was slightly
different. He asked, “Renee’, who are
you and what value does your life have if you are not fully mine? Who are you if you are not a walking example
of me?”

For months now I have
been praying for God to strip me; to truly remove EVERYTHING that is in me that
He has not put there Himself. God has
brought incredible healing to different areas of my life that I did not even
realize needed healing. Then, in Zimbabwe, I fell
madly, deeply in love with Christ Jesus as my Father, my Creator, my Savior, my
Bride-groom. I reached a totally new
level of relationship with God and my heart was completely filled with joy,
love, and happiness. My prayers began to
get bolder. Soon I was yearning to be
broken in ways that I couldn’t imagine; a true spiritual desire to be sifted
and left with only Godly remains. My
spirit desired to be cleansed and renewed. So, I prayed, without ceasing, for sifting and brokenness; for purity
and cleansing of my heart and soul.

Be
joyful in everything, pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

One day I was
completely full of joy and could see how great and mighty God was, the next
day, I felt as though God was hiding His face from me. But I continued to pray and search for
joy. There was something inside of me
that needed to come out, but I was blind to what it was. God revealed through circumstance, what it was
that was inside and what I needed to do to release it.

If
we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and
purify us from all unrighteousness. 1
John 1:9

I needed to confess
my sin, own up to past wrong doings, and ask for forgiveness. True repentance needed to take place and
release of the final foothold the enemy had on me would come. I spent several days grieving my past
decisions and grieving my broken covenant with the Lord. God was asking me to
hand over the “last bit” of control that I “thought” I had and trust HIM with
everything that I have and everything that I had. He was asking me to put ALL my trust in
Him. Now I know I came on this trip
saying the words, I’m just trusting God, and all too often we say things like,
Oh I’m trusting God for this or I’m trusting God to do that, but how often do
we REALLY mean it? Even on this race,
we’re not all Trusting God for our needs. We plan things, we buy extra food and extra clothing, and we always have
to be one step ahead, “just in case”. We
are never truly TRUSTING GOD with all of it. So how, how was I going to TRUST HIM with EVERYTHING? I didn’t know, but I knew that this is what
He was asking and I knew it was what had to be done and I had to TRUST
Him. So I did what He asked and I gave
Him control of everything, every last bit of my life. I am finally free of any stronghold or
foothold the enemy might try to get me with. I walk in true freedom and restoration. I can truly testify to what it means to TRUST GOD for everything and to
rely solely on Him to receive love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness. I feel closer to the Lord than I thought
possible, and I rest in His presence and in His peace.

Keep
yourselves in God’s love as you wait for Mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to
bring you eternal life. Jude 21

As I walk in new
found freedom and purity, as God so mercifully renews in us, the question is
asked again, “What is my life worth if it is not a living example of Christ
Jesus?” The answer, my life is worth
nothing if I am not walking in who He is, if I am not living in who He is, and
if I am not testifying to WHO HE IS. Every moment of my life, every thought, every decision, every moment,
whether past or present, is a moment to glorify God, to minister, and to testify
to His greatness, His wonder, and His love. No longer is my life my “own” or is my “future” mine. No longer do I make decisions concerning
myself; no, every decision made is one that God makes, one that He decides and
I am simply to be obedient to what He says. My life is not my own, and I do not want it to be. For life is
meaningless if it is not fulfilling what God alone has called, what He has
created it for.