I am finishing my time in Thailand and reflecting back on all the thoughts and emotions that have been consuming my mind and heart. I have felt a little emotionally overwhelmed and spiritually dry. I haven’t been able to hear God as clearly this month. I wasn’t sure what to write on but I decided to share something I am personally working on in my journey this month and the coming months.
A few weeks ago my teammates gave me feedback on control. They recognized this controlling behavior in me that has been apart of my life for so long.
I love control. I love order and discipline. I love for my life to be perfectly organized. Sometimes so much so, I choose control over my relationships.
I put people into my schedule as if they are a project to check off my to dos. I have heard feedback on this before. I have cried and sat heartbroken over this behavior. I have tried to give this control up to God.
But for the first time I am starting to understand what it really means to release it and be guided by the Holy Spirit.
In the past I have tried to have self control over my control. “Today I am going to be flexible. Today I will be laid back and go with the flow. God help me have self control over my anxieties to plan, schedule and to not put a time limit on my encounters with people.”
I used to tell myself this is just who I am. I am type-a and this is how I function…
There is some truth to these qualities being apart of my personality but they don’t define me.
This week I read a devotional about self control & it hit me. Self Control is a fruit of the spirit. This is not from my own effort.
But how? Self Control is the most random fruit of the spirit. I can understand gentleness, patience and love. But God tells us when we abide in Him we will receive self control.
2 Timothy 1:7
for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
My control comes from fear. My mindset goes to a place of scarcity. I have thoughts of deficiency and “not enough”. Not enough time, food, friends… I didn’t achieve enough. I wasted my time because I didn’t do enough. These thoughts go even deep to “Never ___enough”. Never good enough. Never perfect enough. Never smart enough. Never extraordinary enough.
Scarcity mindset is the “never enough” problem. The word scarce comes from French scars, meaning “restricted in quantity”. Scarcity thrives when people are hyperaware of lack. From safety to money. Scarcity comes from shame-prone cultures that are steeped in comparison and the issue of unworthiness.
These are lies from the enemy. Society feeds me these lies. I feed on these lies.
Jesus tells me that I lack nothing with him.
Deuteronomy 2:7 “For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.”‘
My determination to have self control, to stay on task, to lead these women well, to eat healthy, to schedule out my weekends, to try to do everything I possibly can… these good intentions deteriorate as I fail throughout the reality of my day or month. This leads me to the path of guilt, shame, fear and discouragement.
But does biblical self-control simply mean the ability to do what I’m determined to do, and avoid what I’m determined not to do? Is it just about trying harder?
Scripture teaches that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, not a fruit of our determination.
The spirit protects our minds, hearts and our souls.
The Holy Spirit in us is not subject to our desires, but rather He conforms our desires to Christ’s will.
John 15:5 says “Apart from me you can do nothing”. When we are made apart of the vine we have the power to say “yes” or “no” or “not right now” because we have God in us who has all power.
This is powerful truth!!
1) I lack nothing with Jesus. I do not have to live in fear or in a scarcity mindset, but in abundance.
2) That I have power in me. I am actually capable of doing anything through Christ.
2) If I choose to abide in Christ and let the Holy Spirit guide me, I will actually end up doing things that align with Christ, not what I think is right or the best our of my own determination.
Declarations:
I will stop buying into the lies of society that tell me I am never enough. I will believe the truth that with Christ I am enough, I have enough and I live in ABUNDANCE
I will stop making decisions out of fear and think with a kingdom mind, knowing I have power to do all things.
I will not let me schedule take over my relationships. I will put others before my agenda and be present with them making them feel known and heard because that is where my heart truly lies, with others.
I will not let the enemy convince me I need to do more or be more. I will take a step back and realize that no one is putting pressure on me other than myself. God already sees me as perfect and complete.
I will stop striving to create discipline and self control over things in my life, I will instead spend more time in the word and abide in Christ which will in turn change my desires, habits and behaviors which will naturally create self control in my life.
I will overcome my idea of perfectionism and let Christ’s love completely capture my heart and let that love guide me each and everyday.
