I struggle with my body.
One of the things I was most worried about coming on the race was food.
For most of my young adult life I have had an unhealthy obsession with eating healthy. But I never knew it was unhealthy until college. I would get really anxious in situations where I had to eat fast food or a lot of bread and pizza. I don’t think it ever came off this way (people just thought I didn’t care for it), but it definetly was not ideal for me to be on retreats or school events where the only options was junk food and cheap carb loaded meals.
I have always enjoyed eating really healthy. I love all vegetables and really do enjoy taking care of my body and finding what is best for it. I never thought that was a bad thing but throughout college I started to gain weight and it was hard on me.
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in college. This is where your metabolism is very slow and has a hard time metabolizing food. I tried my best to eat well and workout, but I kept gaining weight.
I had a mentality that my happiness would be altered if I didn’t work that day.
I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder. I think 100% it was God who truly saved me from letting my self talk or hatred get to that point. I turned to him in the midst of spiraling thoughts about my weight. But as I gained more weight, the more I cared about the food I ate and how often I worked out.
I know taking care of your body is a healthy thing, but too much of a good thing can be bad. So naturally I was so nervous for the race because I heard girls usually gain around 10 pounds. I couldn’t bare to think about gaining another 10 pounds. I would look up blogs from previous racers about how to keep from putting on the weight and I would get so anxious thinking about what I would look like on the race. My mental happiness depended on my workouts that day, how was I going to feel myself if I couldn’t workout?
So here I am in month 8 and I feel like crap right now. I haven’t worked out for weeks and all I have had is bread, potatoes, rice and candy for meals. I look at pictures and sometimes don’t recognize myself. Ugh.
These are the spiraling thoughts. This is the self pity circle I am sitting in.
& then as soon as I feel my lowest about the weight I put on and the frustrating circumstances that I can’t control what I eat or how much I get to workout out, God picks me up in his arms and reminds me what this is all for.
This blog is for any future racers or (girls in general) who are wondering truthfully how it might go on the race regarding weight. It may not be what you want to hear and you may not believe it, but know you will be okay.
You will have low days and frustration about your body. You will be dying to move and workout at times. You will want to throw your 100th plate of rice and potatoes on the ground. But you won’t.
Your mental happiness doesn’t depend on these things. Yes good food and working out is important but it’s not the only thing you depend on. God is.
You will come on the race and something in your mind will switch. You will accept the circumstances and you will be so grateful for the meals. It has been so much easier than I ever thought it would be. You will appreciate white bread when you see how little others live off of.
You will turn to candy, soda and snacks as a comfort… I never thought I would, but you do. In the midst of 1000 foreign meals a bag of oreos is the best reminder of home.
I have eaten more fast food in the last 8 months than I have in my entire ife because of my food budget. & I am grateful. I have worked out only a handful of weeks throughout the 8 months because of the living conditions and lack of gyms or safe running spaces. Yes there are days of frustration like today, but you get through it.
The only thing you can do is to set your eyes on Jesus. To know that this is all worth it. The work you are doing is worth it. This will be the most unselfish year of your life. You will choose 2 hours of quiet time over early morning workouts. When you set your eyes on Jesus and know that this year is not about you, something in your mind will switch.
I know when I look back at these pictures and see myself heavier, makeup-less, and mangled in mismatch clothes I will not allow myself to talk down on that girl. I will remember that I did not spend hours focusing on myself, my body, my clothes or what I looked like. I promise you every minute is used up to serve others and it will be rare to find yourself really caring about the pressures from society and how to live up to the “perfect picture” girl.
I have wanted to write this blog for sometime because honestly it is a victory for me. It feels so good to not care. Although I wish I had more control over my body, I don’t. So I give it to God daily. I give it up & let my heart be focused on the work God has called me to do around the world.
Not everyday will be perfect but it will be 100% be more meaningful when you allow yourself to accept the circumstances, to love who you are right in this moment & to know that the people and work in-front of you is far more important than worrying about your self image.
God continues to remind me that I am beautiful. That the extra weight signifies my “yes” to him and to live off a $3 budget. To truly live like most of the world lives with only access to a carb diet to really fill them. He has shown me that HE is my living water not the gym. Now that I have chosen to replace morning workouts with morning reading, I find that my mental happiness is not dependent on a trip to the gym.
I can see now that my anxiousness to eat healthy and workout and care for my body was unhealthy and obsessive. Of course I will got back home and appreciate workout classes & vegetables. But I also know now that when I get anxious and start feeling control creeping in, I can choose more time with Jesus. I can choose to skip the workout & sit down with God and hear what he has to say.
We are not supposed to care so much about ourselves. He did not design us to be obsessed with our looks and weight and the pressures of a number or size. He never intended for us to be photoshopped, to starve ourselves or do these crazy things that mess with our minds and hearts.
To any girls who feel this control, I am so sorry. I know how hard it can be hard on your heart and I am truly sorry. It is a dark isolated world that you can bring into the light. God sees you and knows your every thought. You can bring these things to him. He will tell you what he thinks and speak truth into you. When you feel the pressure or comparison, I beg you to bring it to God and listen for his comforting words. He is your maker, your father, the one and only person who will not judge. He is there to love you completely, every step of the way. He will show you how to balance self care and self love. He gives grace and shows you how to give grace to yourself too. He will show you who you were made to be, not who society asks you to turn into. With that, on days that I can’t seem to believe Gods truth my mom always reminds me that Mother Teresa never worried about her thighs 😉 and neither should you.
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
(P.S. There are still ways to live healthy on the race. Some girls lose weight. But the honest truth is that a majority will usually gain some weight. I have been able to get some sort of fruits and veggies in every country but after eating carbs for every meal, I can’t even eat a salad without having terrible stomach pain. This thought would have made me really surprised and upset going into the race, but now it is my reality and my mind is at peace. I know I have the rest of my life to focus on being healthier than this year, so be assured that if you go on the race God will gladly take this anxiousness and pressure from you too.)
