Can people really change?
This question has been haunting me for the past month or so. Can I really change to my core?
I recently have been thinking about what it would take for me to re-wire my brain to live missionally not just for this one year but for the rest of my life. What would it take for complete transformation for me to not desire worldly things and to use my time and resources to live fully for God.
But the Devil is speaking.
He is saying “you will never fully change.”
You were raised, you were taught and you were built to love the things of this world and that will never change.
You want a job. You want success. You want money and influence. You want the American dream of a family and a retirement plan. You want to be able to travel and have a second home. You want the 9-5 and security. You want nice things like clothes and a car. You want.. You want.. you want….. This is who you are Regan.
Ugh STOP. I don’t want any of this. I want Jesus. That is what my heart REALLY wants.
I was not built to desire these things. I was not created to worship a marriage. I was not created to worship a perfect body. I was not created to worship the superficial things of this world.. so why do I?
I laugh because I was a marketing major in college, so I know how it all works. I know how to get the attention of consumers and convince them that they want what they don’t have. To convince them they want something that won’t satisfy them. But it was my job in college to learn how to convince them otherwise.
I am here on the World Race in month 5 realizing how our society warps our minds into thirsting for the things of this world. We are told each and everyday we need to work harder, we need to consume more, we need to prove ourselves through the things we buy and the stuff we do.
Okay, so I understand that this is not natural. God did not make us out to be superficial beings who consume and throw away, only to consume more. He created us to be beings that worship, but only to worship HIM.
Jesus so how do I change? Is it really possible? How do I keep my eyes on you, not the girl next to me who is a size 4 and has a brand new iPhone and successful job. How do I not compare myself to my friends living in big cities with new boyfriends and big girl jobs?
How do I go back to a world where everyone is constantly trying to tell me what I want and “need”. How do I change to the absolute core so that I live only for you?
Do I go live in a cave? I just can’t seem to understand how I won’t be distracted?
These are all the thoughts I have been pondering the past couple months. I understand I am on the extreme opposite end of my generation… living out of a backpack, on the ground in some random country, no social media or salary. I am here living so simply, seeking Jesus everyday and sharing His words. Sometimes I think about how un-relatable my life must seem… “so crazy” to others. But is it really that crazy? Is taking my time to love on others, to clean, to take care of, to attend to the needs and souls of this world really that crazy?
Isn’t a 9-5 job in a box crazy? Isn’t spending our money on alcohol and forgetting our nights crazy? Isn’t numbing ourselves with adoral to push through our work hours crazy?
I am not trying to judge our society and my friends living this way, because that was me one year ago. In fact it might be me one year from now. But I have taken a step back and I see how heartbroken Jesus must be. I see how his heart for his most precious creation must seem so skewed… This was not what He had in mind.
Yet, He continues to forgive us. He continues to fight for us. HOW?
Jesus, I worry about reentering my “normal” society back at home. It doesn’t seem normal to me anymore. All I want is to live my life in the will and purpose that you created me to be. I want to be apart of this beautiful world but I need you to do a miracle work in my heart to truly change. I need you to transform my heart so that when I do go home, I can keep my foundation on you. I need you to hold me so tight that I can live on mission for you even in the midst of a broken world.
Friends and Family, these are just honest thoughts from my journal. I wanted to share them because my heart and head are confused. I am sad and determined. I am clinging to the truth of Jesus and who He made me to be, but I really do wonder if it is possible to change?
