My last blog was about questions I have been pondering, if people can really change? I have been struggling with the lies that I can’t change to my core. Maybe some small things, I can be kinder, maybe more servant hearted, maybe lose some weight or better at my savings but over time these things will get washed away by the things in this world that distract me.
How do I truly change deep in my soul? How do I live a fulfilled life with purpose and be content with who I am? Will I ever be just happy with life and find a purpose that fits me well?
Oh man I could sit and wonder for days over these questions. I have spent countless nights crying in college about my true identity and who I am called to be. How will I ever get my resume perfect enough where a company wants me? How will I ever look the right way so that boys want me? How will I ever be the friend people want me to be so that everyone likes me?
Will I deal with these questions for the rest of my life? I am exhausted.
I have been tired thinking about these questions for years. So I have found a “happy medium”, Jesus. I remember hearing in high school that Jesus would make my life easier. “Yes please.” I lived in a world surrounded by divorce, depression, rehab, high school pressures, & feeling like I was responsible for fixing it all. How could I not hand all this schlep over to a man who says he will carry my burdens. I handed it all over. I told Jesus he could have it because it was too heavy for me.
I started to see the fruit of handing it all over. Jesus did something in my heart. I felt a weight lifted. I no longer felt responsible. As I started to see differences in my heart I started to look more into who this Jesus man was. I started to ask questions and seek out this crazy invisible spirit who could “speak, love, and be with me at all times”. I started to learn what living for God meant.
If I started to do what this thing “The Bible” said, I could change? Things in my life could change? I guess I will give it a try said my 17 year old self.
I stopped drinking, I started serving more, I got more involved in youth group and went to church, I think I became a better friend and daughter.
Ever since the day I gave my life to Jesus I have not stopped following Him. Something in my heart and soul really did change that day. But the other things started to wash away.
I got to college and started changing to the ways of the new environment I was in. I started dressing differently, drinking, caring more about the kinds of classes, internships, and people I surrounded myself with. I wanted to be known by everyone so I joined every club. I was blown around by the wind of the world. Doing anything and everything just to seek some sort of purpose.
I am a pretty adaptable person so I was happy doing all these things but deep down I knew my heart was seeking something bigger. I continued to pursue Jesus. He continued to pursue me. But I didn’t lay down my life for him, like the Bible says too. I didn’t sell my possessions or spend my free time helping the needy. Sure, some people would say I did more than most college kids, but it was half assed at times. I did those things on the side when I had a free moment away from MY life. My life of partying, sorority events, studying, and worrying about a resume.
I even ran a club for Greek life students to find Jesus and made my drinking an excuse for teaching students. Granted, I still love to party and be social but that doesn’t mean blacking out to “save someone’s soul” is on Gods agenda of commandments. He doesn’t mean go get beligernatly drunk to “meet people where they are at”.
But it was so fun. I loved almost every minute. I say almost because half the time during my high school and college years my heart was torn. Sometimes in big ways, sometimes in small whispers. But God always spoke and there were days or months that I decided to let Him convict and speak truth into me… calling me back to Him. But there were other months that I decided to ignore the voice and live my life the way I wanted to & seek Him on the side.
I journaled every morning, went to church and still felt the presence of the Lord but I wasn’t willing to let go of everything else for Him.
Well clearly my soul was still thirsting for more as I signed up for this world race thing. I knew deep in my heart there was more to getting a 9-5 after college. I was seriously concerned about myself getting a job. If you know me, I put my whole self into things I am apart of and if I got a job I was going to be starting at the bottom of the ladder and climbing for the rest of my life.
I needed to see for myself that there was something more to life than a job, family, and working towards retirement. These things are good but there had to be more?So I signed up for the race and during my entire senior year of college I couldn’t even sit and think about leaving because I think I was so scared of what God was going to do in my heart.
How was I going to change? “ I will be so different” they say. But how??
So I sit here on my 23rd birthday, knowing that I have changed in small ways. Maybe big to others. But I am really asking you Lord, how do I REALLY change?
I look back on my life and see how much time and energy and tears I wasted over finding the “purpose” of life because in my heart I do believe it’s to love others and it stems from the love of Jesus. I always knew that deep in my heart. I am just about 99% sure of that. But just because my head knows that, doesn’t mean my heart wants to live that way.
How do I get my head and heart to connect?
Is it really possible for me to change the values I have grown up on? Values of money, success, marriage, a house, kids, and a fancy retirement? These are all good things, they don’t have to be bad but if I look at society most of the time they are bad. They are based out of greed. Things we think will fill us.
So how is it that I still desire to get a good job when I go back to the states? That I still desire a good husband to take care of me financially? That I still desire to live comfortably? That I still desire to go out with my friends and fit in.
I want to change. I want to live for the Kingdom. In my head there is no other worthy cause but to LOVE others from the Love of Jesus.
Someone freaking died for me on a cross! I have seen miracles! I have seen sign after sign and yet I walk away from the God who has radically changed my life and brought me to freakin Vietnam on my 23rd birthday. Tonight I will even share the gospel & yet I question how I can change to live my life for him?
Just because I sold many of my possession and left for this mission trip, does not mean my whole heart is in it all the time. I am so scared to go back home. I really do fear America right now and I hate that. I am scared to be distracted by the wind of the world. I am scared my friends won’t accept me because I believe so strongly in Jesus and want them to be saved. I am scared because people don’t believe they can be “saved”. I am scared to talk to my own family about my faith because I value their opinion so much so that I think they will think I am crazy or annoying.
So can I really change? To become the woman God calls me to be. Completely in love with him? I think I can. I think I can change for a year or two, maybe stop drink less and serve in a church or do ministry for a few years. But what happens after that? Once society has stolen me away again & tells me that is not enough. Once I try to blend in again and find myself striving for the things of the world. This is what I am scared for.
Jesus, I want to change. I want to change to my core. I want to live 100% for you. I am going to keep digging and pursuing you just as you will do the same to me. I know it won’t all happen at once, but I know it is possible. I want to live in the fullness of your love and live the life you called me to live, not the life society or my family or friends call me to. I want others to know you so so badly, because life with you is a life of unexplainable freedom. You have freed me from the sin of this world and I can’t thank you enough.
I do think people can change. You may think that too. Some say it takes a miracle but I think it takes Jesus. I think each day when we decide to live in his love & “put some skin” in the game we can change. When we have vision for what freedom looks like. When we ask ourselves “do we really want it”, and when we make an actually strategy to change ourselves, to do something different, that is when we change. But it is not all our own effort. I have tried that and nothing lasts. It is with the Grace of Jesus. The grace that forgives and reconnects us to God. The grace that changes us inside, spiritually that allows us to transform on the outside. This is what changes us.
I am dedicating my 23rd year of life to you Jesus. To pursuing whatever it is you have in store. For relentlessly running after the truth. I know you are the truth and the way, so let me put it into action. I am scared. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to lose friends or family. I don’t want to seem crazy but I guess I already am. I dedicate this year to living in your grace and freedom. To letting your opinion be the only opinion that matters. For sharing your love. For truly chasing after the change my heart desires. I don’t want this change to last one year. I want this to last a lifetime. A foundation of love that is so so strong that your existence is undeniable through the way I live my life. A love so so deep that penetrates through my being and out to others. I want this for my kids and my kids kids and for my friends and family. I know I am not perfect and there will be days or maybe years where I don’t feel like I am changing but
I want to try.
So cheers to being 23. A year of risk. A year of unknowns. A year of letting God be more than my happy medium. A year of sacrificial love for others. A year of letting myself be completely loved by God and seeing where it takes me.
The podcast series “Can People Really Change?” by Flatirons church in Colorado inspired these thoughts and emotions. I highly recommend everyone to listen!!
