Hello wonderful people (:
I would like to share something special with you that I hold dear to my heart; the story of how Jesus has saved me over and over again… my testimony. This is all for his glory, because it is his story, not mine.
I was born into a strong Christian family, surrounded by love. My family goes to church every Sunday, is involved with teaching kids’ ministry, men’s and women’s Christian study groups, etc. I think you can get the general picture. Despite this, the enemy (Satan and his army of creepy little minions) can strike at anyone no matter their circumstance. I had my first glimpse of the spiritual world (yes, spiritual warfare is real, and has been going on for thousands of years ever since Lucifer fell) when I was 4 years old, and it wasn’t a pleasant one.
I was sitting in my room on the floor, playing with my dolls, with my back to the bedroom door. Everything felt fine until out of nowhere I became completely consumed by utter darkness and fear (not physical, but a heavy, terrible thing) as I sensed that a dark being larger than a man blocked the doorway. Even though I was only 4 years old, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I turned around, I was going to come face to face with something so terrible I wouldn’t even be able to understand it. I was in danger. I finally stood up, squeezed my eyes shut tight, and sprinted screaming and crying right through the door and out to my mom in the living room.
Back then, I didn’t get what the dark being was, or what I was experiencing. Now, I understand that it was a deliberate spiritual attack, and that that being was there to cause fear and harm to me. I also now get that the Holy Spirit was protecting me and giving me a spirit of discernment that I was in danger, and that the creature behind me was bad news!
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Fast forward to the summer after 5th grade, during my last church camp ever. At this time, I had exactly *zero* friends and was feeling generally really down and depressed. I was sitting against some trees on a lakeside, crying out to God through prayers to give me a hope for my future. Well, I definitely got A LOT more than I think I bargained for! In the midst of the peaceful silence of nature, a still, small but powerful voice whispered “missionary.”
Me: *sits there while in minor shock*
God: *patiently waiting*
Me: Okay God, I like to help people sooo…
God: *patiently waiting*
Me: I promise to follow your calling if you promise to be there guiding me, k?
God: Deal!
Me: You pinky promise?
God: Yes I pinky promise!
(DISCLAIMER: Yeah okay it didn’t exactly happen like that, but I did make a promise to God, and he did to me too so there’s that (: )
I have always had a heart drawn to those who need help physically and/or spiritually. When I heard God press this calling he had for me upon my heart, I didn’t understand that he was speaking not only of helping those in need physically, but also spiritually. I myself hadn’t fully accepted Jesus, let alone thinking about telling others about him!
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ANYWHO moving on! The fall of that year I entered into the dark, terrifying, puberty-filled world of middle school… *shudders.* During my middle school years, I struggled to find my identity, I hadn’t ever technically given my life to Jesus even though I had promised God I’d be a missionary (yeah I know, it was confusing for me too), and I was living my everyday life filled in an anxiety and depression-induced haze. I did have friends in middle school, but no really close friends that I felt like I could bring my struggles to, let alone having a strong Christian friend. To add to that load of crap, I was baptized by my uncle along with several other cousins of mine in a river… you’re probs saying, “Hold up, I thought you weren’t saved??” Yeah, I wasn’t. I lied to my family about being saved, and was baptized anyways. At this point my dream of spending my life helping people was beginning to fade from my mind as other problems of this world overtook my periphery. All of this added up inside of me; the anxiety, depression, lies about my salvation, no friends, middle school in general. I was alone, in pain, and vulnerable… the perfect victim for the Enemy to pray on.
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I honestly don’t know how it started, but I think I had accidentally clicked on a pornographic ad that popped up on my iPod touch and well… I was plunged headfirst into a year-long addiction to pornography.
Pornography is a disease that has infected our culture, and it’s something that is kept hush hush and no one ever talks about. Pornography doesn’t only affect men; it also affects women, children, teens, Christians, non-Christians, pastors, everyone. Don’t be naive and think that you’re teenager, friend, co-worker, even pastor hasn’t struggled with this! 40 million American people regularly visit porn sites. To give you an idea of how big that number is, porn sites get more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined.
34% of internet users have experienced unwanted exposure to pornographic content through ads, pop up ads, misdirected links or emails
17% of women describe themselves as addicted
47% of families in the United States reported that pornography is a problem in their home
43% of Americans now say pornography is acceptable
From there there was no other direction to go but down. I hit rock bottom. Everyday I woke up, and looked at myself in the mirror and what I saw absolutely disgusted me… I was lying about so many things, and everyone thought I was this perfect Christian girl who lived in a perfect Christian family, who was a pure and innocent little middle school girl. That “innocent” and “perfect” Christian girl wanted it all to end… I wanted to die. The suffering and pain was a never ending cycle with no way out. I never did cut myself or think about shooting myself, I never did have the stomach for that or the pain it would bring me. But, if something were to happen to me one day; say I died in a car accident, or died of a disease, or drowned, etc. I would’ve been fine with that. I didn’t care anymore… I was dead inside, which meant my dream of serving God seemed dead to me as well.
Until one day, God began to break my chains, one iron link at a time. My chat group leader, a college-aged Christian woman, talked with me after youth group about salvation. I broke down and spilled to her my lies about me being saved, and we prayed on the spot right there! I remember my feeling of relief when we both said “amen.” She urged me to go to my family and tell them I was now truly saved. She reassured me that my family wouldn’t be angry or reject me, but instead embrace and rejoice in my salvation! True to her word, everyone was overjoyed. My younger brother and I were baptized by my dad at Grace Community Church shortly after!
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Of course, no Christian is perfect, and still had my demons to fight with. With the Holy Spirit now living in me, my prison was utterly demolished! One day I was addicted to pornography, and the next I was completely free from it without a single urge to watch anything! Let me make this clear: you don’t just quit an addiction just because one day you decide you’re done with it. Addictions don’t work that way. God was more powerful than my addiction, and he proved that! No one else gets credit for getting me out of it, let alone me! Only God did that, and he’ll receive my praises for that forever!
After being free from addiction for over 2 years, I told the first person, my best friend, about my past struggle with addiction. 2 months after that, she convinced me to go to my parents and tell them the truth. It was very scary for me, but in the end my conversation with my mom and dad was filled with a lot of tears (both good and bad), prayes, and hugs. For my 16th birthday my parents got me a simple but beautiful cross ring, a purity ring. I think I almost started crying when I saw that ring, because I knew I had the love of my family and Jesus supporting me no matter what.
Today, I’m filled with a new hope given to be my Jesus. God sustained me through all of my troubles, and I’ve come out of the flames stronger than ever before. He can use our broken pieces for the advancement of his Kingdom! I do regret the sinful decisions that I made, but I would still go through all the pain and darkness again if it meant that Jesus would use me and the story of his grace to reach others who are also living in the dark.
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I may appear “tainted” in the eyes of the world, but in Jesus’ eyes I’m a new creation made clean by his blood! I am worthy to wear my purity ring, because I am pure in his eyes. I am worthy of his love. He accepts me as I am, sins and all! Jesus the Messiah didn’t die for those who are perfect, but for those who are drowning and need someone to pull them out… a Savior. Go to the altar as you are. Don’t try and fix yourself before you go to God, because Jesus is the one who fixes us!
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
{ Isaiah 1:18 }
