Fall, 2016
Four years ago, I stood before a rock wall. This rock wall wasn’t just any rock wall, it gradually steeped until it was upside down. I am a five foot five fifteen-year-old girl who loves to climb things, despite the fact that I’ve never had training; also, it’s not like I had these beefed up arms to be able to climb like Spiderman! I got all harnessed up, slapped a helmet on my head, and started climbing. I can do this cause I have my willpower and my strength, is what I thought as I grabbed one colored hand hold after another. Up and up I went, the lifeline that was my rope sluggishly following me. I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I ca-
I fell.
The person belaying me didn’t catch me, and I was dragged as I hit the ground full speed; squeezing my eyes shut at the explosion of unfamiliar pain in my right knee. Sweet LORD this hurts. I stood and immediately started cussing like I had been doing it my whole life (insider info: I don’t usually cuss, so if I do something’s seriously messed up). Something is wrong with my knee, God help me.
… fast forward …
Sept 2nd, 2020
Day 2 of being a team leader for my group of 7 girls on the World Race Gap Year, down in Georgia:
I am in my tent, curled up in the fetal position; clutching my right knee so hard that my knuckles are white. I clamp my eyes shut tight and bare my teeth in a futile effort to fight off the sickening waves of pain radiating from the knee. UPDATE: It’s been exactly a month since I had gotten back the MRI results that screamed at me, “YOU HAVE A TORN MENISCUS AND A TORN PCL, CONGRATS AND GOOD LUCK BEING ON THE MISSION FIELD FOR 3 MONTHS.” Terrible timing, really. I have been in constant pain since the day I’d gotten off the field from my race back in March, and I was getting real sick of waiting for the promised healing God said would come. I look down and see the pair of hands made out of golden light wrapped around my knee, the same hands that had been there 24/7 since the day several months ago God whispered, You will be healed, to my weary body. I brokenly tell God, “I guess it looks like healing won’t be happening till I walk through the gates of heaven.”
… fast forward …
Present-day, 2020
(FYI I’m still in Georgia on the World Race) It’s late at night, and I have now been in deep conversation with God for well over two hours. In the midst of that awesome convo I was handing one heavy burden after another over to Jesus; burdens from all over my life, burdens that I as a child of God was never meant to carry on my beautifully human shoulders. Everyone has their own load to handle throughout life’s years- responsibilities as a Christian, as a human being, and the ups and downs of the day-to-day. To carry a burden is something heavy, a weight that is not a part of your load. Burdens are for fellow believers to come alongside you and help you carry it; they are meant to be surrendered to God. I’ll give you an example of some burdens I gave to God that night:
I have some dear people close to my heart that have unknowingly placed idols above God. I took it upon myself to “open their eyes” and remove those idols with my bare hands. / It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict people, I am called to love on them in this season (and tell the truth in love if God directs, ya know?).
I have been blessed with the gift of empathy (feeling other people’s emotions) all my life. I grew up believing it to be more of a curse than a blessing due to the fact that I would quite literally take on broken people’s pains and hurts as my own, and live in those emotions that were never mine in the first place. / God has given me this gift that I may see with his eyes and get a glimpse of his heart for hurting people… YET those emotions are not for me to keep, but to turn right around and surrender them to God. He is the One who changes hearts, who saves souls; not me.
I am NOT the savior of the world. God did not send me from heaven above into a broken world to die for it, I am one of the billions of sinful humans born into that world. I am called to chase after intimacy with my Beloved, my Father. I am called to love on ALL people of the world by drawing on the Father’s love. Praise the LORD for the Messiah, Jesus Christ! Can I get an AMEN?!
*whew* Those are all some of the heftier ones, but you get the picture hopefully. So yes, one-by-one I was handing them off to God. At last, we arrived to the final burden… my own strength and will. Ironic, isn’t it? God brought me back to that day in 2016 when I looked up at that rock wall- I had announced out loud, “I can climb that rock wall, by my strength and my will.” Well you saw how that turned out for me. Here’s the mic-drop moment, all thanks to God: For the past four years I have been carrying so many spiritual, emotional, and mental burdens by MY own strength that it literally physically handicapped me…. How flipping wild and insane is that; my spiritual burdens were now physically crippling me!!! When God said that my mouth dropped open like a goldfish, let me tell you. I don’t think I’ve ever given the Lord a burden as fast as I did in that moment! I earnestly asked, “Father, will you take this burden of my own creation from me?” It was at that moment that I witnessed an incredible vision:
I was in a squat position, my empty hands above my head as though they were about to lift a weight. My injured knee had this beautifully alive Light—warmer than the sun—swirling inside of it. The Light (fun fact, it’s the Holy Spirit) solidified until my entire knee was a glowing gold. The Light radiated from my knee outwards, returning stability and strength to the weakened muscles and tendons. I slowly raised myself up into a standing position… I could lift myself up because God had removed any and all burdens that had been in my grip!
Astounded, I felt my body, mind, and soul wait in anticipatory excitement for its Creator’s voice to speak- “Stand and walk.” Daring to breathe, I stood up from the bench and took several solid steps forward… I let out a strangled sound of disbelief, awe, and amazement. The knee was somewhere around 99% healed!!! My lips broke out into the biggest grin ever! I walked around, hopped here and there, jumped, squatted as low as I could go, and ALL the things! Once satisfied with my joyous exploration, I sighed a peaceful sigh and purely said, “Thank you.” My Beloved, I give you all my control, strength, and will; I love you with everything I have. I give up my rights to sit at your feet, to be your royal daughter. YOU alone are in control. All glory be to God, HALLELUJAH!
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“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)
