For the longest time, I desired to just get out of high school and all that the atmosphere was. I know everyone says this, but for me, it wasn’t about the work or waking up early or anything like that. It was about a lot more. I didn’t attend any kind of fancy private Christian school or anything like that, nope, just a normal public school.
Going to school every day was dreadful, because every time I walked through those glass doors, I put on a mask. I felt like I was trapped in someone else’s body… I never felt like myself, and I didn’t even realize it. I was going through the motions every single day.
Being part of a crowd or friend group was never my thing, so I guess I was what you would call a “floater”?? I didn’t have a lot of friends, but a lot the ones I did have weren’t so great, and those friendships didn’t last after high school. Before high school, I was a naive middle schooler who believed and/or wanted to believe that everyone was Christian or had some sort of relationship with Jesus. My bad.
In high school, I slowly trickled away from my relationship with the Lord, and started conforming to everyone I was surrounded with daily. I stopped going to church and youth group, and never read my bible, though I never got into anything hard core like drugs, sex or partying, I just stopped pressing into the Lord. Just because I was angry at him for things that happened with my family in the past, and friendships that didn’t work out. I still loved him, I just fell so far away from him, because I felt like a relationship with Him wasn’t a huge priority at that time in my life.
It got to the point where I hated everything about myself altogether. I definitely wasn’t me anymore. I was ashamed with who I was as a Christian. It’s sad, because I feel like I lost so much, but I know that as far as I fall away from the Lord, he keeps drawing near to me, and he forgives graciously.
My junior year, I started to attend youth group regularly, I started going to church by myself every single Sunday morning when I received my license, and I became excited to just listen to my Jesus jams on the radio whenever I drove anywhere. I thought back to the times when I felt Jesus so so near to me, and my mind always goes back to my mission trips to Guatemala, where I vividly remember encountering the Holy Spirit. Something sparked inside of me. This is what gave me a heart for missions, serving others, and serving the Lord.
Now here I am, month four of the world race!!
A lot has changed since high school, even though it was only half a year ago that it ended for me. I’ve realized that I deeply desire a stronger relationship with the Lord. I’ve realized who I truly am in Him, no masks needed, just beautifully and completely surrendered to Him. He calls me fearfully and wonderfully made, he calls me worthy, and daughter of the most high. I don’t have to change for him. I’ve realized that I need to run at full force towards him and all that He is. I need to be an example of him to all those around me. He’s shown me true love, true friendship, and true redemption. Though I still have a lot more growing to do, Gods walking me through this, I’m not alone in anything.
Another thing God has blessed me with are 6 beautiful, God fearing, spirit-lead women. Those would be my teammates. Ashley, Tennessee, Hannah, Lauryn, Kate, and Grace. God ordained these relationships, and he built this team to show me what real friendships working together to glorify the father, and bring kingdom, looks like. I can be real and vulnerable with them, and they will love and comfort me through it. They lift me up in prayer and declarations of truth. They are good good friends. They are my sisters in Christ. I love you Talithia Koum.
The past three months has changed me, I guess that’s what this year is supposed to do right? I was scared that I wasn’t going to grow, but I’ve grown in a lot of ways that only I can see (and a few other ways too). I can feel like myself and not be ashamed, I don’t need to go through the motions when I’m a servant of the king, and I shouldn’t. I can believe that I am beautiful in his sight, and I can walk confidently in who he says I am, and because I am a light for him and his kingdom.
Thanks high school for teaching me who I’m not. Thanks Jesus for teaching who I AM.
