A lot of the days I post about look like vacations. They’re our “off days,” or weekends, and we do our best to take advantage of our surroundings and continue to get to know the country we are in. I want to demystify and insure that this is not how I spend all my time. I’ve also been thinking about it a lot as to why I most often post pictures of those days. Last month was different because I couldn’t really post pictures of my actual ministry time. But I noticed that in Cambodia the pictures I singled out were usually from off days as well. I think I have a pretty good idea as to why now.
Off days are when I get a chance to think. And I mean really think. I get to slow down a bit. Look around. Focus on me at least a little bit more than I usually do. It’s when my in-depth contemplation takes place. I mull over the thoughts that have been raiding my mind for days, possibly longer. It would be nice to turn off for a day or two and not think about where I am at or what I am doing.
But, I never do.
Yes, I go on adventures. I ride elephants and go to the beach. But, I’m never turned off to what I am doing and my purpose here. It’s the moments where I try to do that that make me feel the most lost, afraid, worried, and homesick. I’m always thinking about and praying for the place I’m at, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. As I sit on the beach and write this, I’m constantly aware that I am in Malaysia. That coming in the next two weeks is Christmas caroling, a mall program telling the true meaning of Christmas, a Christmas Eve service, and lots of practices. More than my list of things to do though, I am constantly pondering why I am here.
To love. To show the people around me who Christ is. Through my actions and, when the case calls for it, through my words.
I’ve already used this word quite a few times already but, I’ve been very contemplative the past two days. God and I have been talking about my worth and who I am. I just finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. And by “reading” I mean that I listened to the audiobook. It’s left me with a lot of thoughts. If you don’t know what the book is about, it’s a telling of the book of Hosea from the Old Testament set during the California gold rush. I honestly didn’t know what the book was about before I started reading. All I knew was that everyone raves about it. Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have chosen to start it when I did. Coming from a month of ministering to bar girls, lady boys, pimps, and Johns to a month of working on my own worth, was a hard time to pick up a book about a prostitute and God’s pursuance of her. But, I know “timing is everything.”
I finished the book late Friday night, or maybe I should say early Saturday morning, at about 2:30 am. I then proceeded to go into the bathroom to contemplate and pray. My teammates were sleeping and it didn’t seem like a good time to awaken them with my tears. And I did cry. I told God how I was feeling and what my thoughts were. I felt like staying up all night and pouring out my inner world to Him. But, I knew I was supposed to sleep, which is something I haven’t done a lot of lately. The rest of the day I walked along the beach or sat in the water and thought. I would say I was quite pensive: expressing or revealing thoughtfulness, usually marked by some sadness. Or maybe wistful: characterized by melancholy; longing; yearning; pensive, especially in a melancholy way.
Those two words pretty much sum up the way I’m feeling. But I’m not fully sure why. I want to blame the introvert in me that wants to inwardly withdraw and hide away for a good chunk of time. That is not what I’m called to.
I’m called to love. To be here, in Malaysia, loving everyone around me. How do I do that with a wistful heart though? How do I focus when everything, even if it’s what I’m “supposed to be doing”, feels like a distraction?
I don’t have a full answer to that. But, I’m realizing that part of it is taking the time to take care of me. Allowing myself to be contemplative, pensive, and wistful. If I don’t acknowledge who I am and where I am at, how can I expect myself to look past it or see others in the midst of it? I don’t want to focus my life on myself. I want to walk in compassion and be moved by it. So much so that I don’t have to question my courage or faith when I see someone I should pray for. I want compassion to compel me. Like it did Jesus. The Gospels tell many times of Jesus having compassion on people and then He prays. He says He only did what He saw the Father doing – I believe that was having compassion on people. I want that same empathy and love in me. But not only in me, coming out of me and spreading to all I’m around.
I want to be sparked and known for compassion – a love that is true and unwavering.
