I had a dream Tuesday night. In this dream, I was back at Texas A&M. My family had helped me move into a dorm where all of my friends and I were going to live. As I was going downstairs I came across a group of people who were all standing outside the same door. At this door there was candles, flowers, and some kind of picture. I realized the picture was actually a calendar and it would remain on the door for the next year. Then I realized even more… The calendar was for Alannah. This was her intended room in the dorm and instead there was a kind of memorial set up for her. I was overcome with sadness. Then one of my best friends from college walked by and he was avoiding looking at the door, and he was crying. I was filled with even more sadness.
That dream felt so real. Like I was actually there. I know a lot of dreams feel like that but this one was different, more real, for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was crying in my sleep. After that point in the dream I awoke for a moment, realized it wasn’t real, and, by God’s grace, fell back asleep. But, the sadness was still there when I got up in the morning.
On Thursday I had a lot of revelation from the dream. I knew my break with God was over (see THIS post) and it was time for me to begin working through my grief again. Was that where I wanted to be?
Yes.
Actually it was. Well, is.
Do I want to be sad? Do I want to go through anger and the feelings of loss?
Ha! No.
There is nothing very fun about those things. But, I don’t want to be sad forever. I don’t want to be stuck in my feelings and hurting every time I go into God’s presence. Working through grief doesn’t mean that I won’t be sad ever again or that next time it’ll be easier. So far in my life, it’s meant that the next time of grief will be harder. – Which I hope isn’t true for the rest of my life. *fingers crossed* – But, I can trust God in the process and I know we will go through it together. There’s a quote from the movie Courageous that says, “God doesn’t promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain.”
It’s something that has stuck with me. God doesn’t promise there won’t be pain in life and that it won’t be hard once you start following Him. But, he does promise to be there and to go through it with me.
(Side note: Right now I don’t feel like I’m looking for an answer from God about her death. But, I do believe it is good and healthy to question God. Not to get an answer out of Him but in order to not keep those questions bottled up. My faith doesn’t rely on answers from Him. It’s built on who He is and what He has done. Questions help me work through what’s actually going on in my life. End side note.)
“I will never leave you nor forsake you,” is recorded three times in the Bible. In Hebrews 13 it says, “…for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'”
Praise God that He is with me. Forever.
SO, as I step into grief I am going to hold onto the fact that God will be there with me. I hate to think about where the opposite would lead me. I can only imagine the kind of despair I would walk into. But, please, pray for me and if you receive any encouragement or guidance for email me ([email protected]).
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; we are perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’s sake, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in You….SO WE DO NOT LOSE HEART. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4:7-12, 16-18
