The Race is over. 11 months have gone by and I find myself in America. As we had our final session at our final debrief on the final day of this journey, our mentor stood up and he placed a chair at the front of the room.
He reminded us of when he did this at our first debrief in the first month of this trip. We took turns stepping up onto the chair and declaring who we wanted to be and what we wanted to gain while on the race. I wanted confidence and to step boldly into the gift of prophecy.
When our chair declarations came about this time, I stared at it for a bit and listened to my friends declare who they are, who they’ve always been. I danced with Jesus a little in between declarations. That’s when God hit me with it. He showed me what He’s been piecing together in me the past few months.
“I am confident, though I am quiet.
I am strong, though I am meek.
I am powerful, though I am gentle.
I can be all of these things because He made me unique. I am perfect. I a leader and a friend. I am wise and intentional but I am fun too. I am loved beyond measure and cherished beyond all. I am beautiful.”
Meek, gentle, humble, quiet, wise are words others have spoken over me my entire life. I love those words. But, over the years I’ve taken them to be all I am. For me this meant I blacked out the opposite side of the board – strong, confident, powerful, friend, fun. What God has done is turn on the light to all of these inside of me.
I am not a new person, so to say. I am a fuller person than I was eleven months ago. I am fuller because I see more of myself and more of Him in me. He has taught me to allow all of myself to come out, not just a fraction.
He taught me to cry. To laugh. To scream. To get angry. To dance. To fight. To hold back and push forward. To wait. To dream. To plan. To desire. To grieve. To let go and hold on.
I know I still have a lot of learning left to do. About myself and all of life.
He took me on an adventure and showed me the world. But, He looked at me.
I decided to think over this blog for a few days before posting it. I’m glad I did because I was really encouraged the other day.
My grandma was getting her hair fixed so I met her at the salon and began talking to the woman who cut my hair from childhood until I graduated high school. She immediately started asking me questions about my trip. But, soon she flipped the table on me a little.
“You have a confidence now. Like, before you left you didn’t think you were all that. Now, you know you are. Most people go off thinking their all that and get brought down a couple notches. But, you moved up. It’s a good thing! You needed that!”
I’m very thankful God gave me these words through her. It’s easy to wonder if change actually happened. Knowing someone else sees it too is really nice.
