Warning: This blog may be hard to read for many audiences due to vulnerability of content.
Before heading out of the country we had what AIM calls, Launch. That means that my squad and the other squads heading out in October met up in Atlanta, Georgia for 3-4 days of training before taking off around the world.
It was….good?
I put that as a question because launch was really hard for me but I choose to believe that it was good.
I arrived in Atlanta a day before a lot of my squadmates for leadership training. It was really helpful. As were the other sessions with more logistical type training – safety and those kinds of things.
What was shocking to me was how hard it was for me to be in worship. The second night of training was our first time to have worship. The man who started the session and led us into worship talked about his granddaughter and how she describes Heaven as “the place where God throws awesome parties.” As we began to worship I started thinking about how when we praise God and worship we talk about joining in with Heaven’s song. Then it hit me…
From now on when I enter into worship I am joining in with Alannah. Who is in Heaven worshiping Jesus. Because she no longer lives on this Earth.
Cue the waterfalls.
I cried. And cried. And cried.
Yes, I was sad. I miss Alannah more than I know how to express. But what I realized is that I am jealous. And, yes, I say “am” because I still am jealous.
Not that Alannah is in Heaven worshiping Jesus. But because Jesus gets to be with Alannah and I don’t. I am SO jealous of that. I am very aware of how wrong that can sound. But, honestly, I don’t care. It’s how I feel. It’s not pretty. But, it is how I feel. I want to be with Alannah. I want to talk with her and fellowship with her and be goofy with her. I want to listen to her sing and play her guitar and worship God. I wish that this terrible thing that happened had not happened.
The next few nights I continued to cry throughout worship. I couldn’t sing or speak. I would just sit there and cry or do nothing at all.
Tuesday was Silver Taps at Texas A&M. Silver Taps is held the first Tuesday of every month to honor the current students who have died in the month before. Tuesday, October 4, 2016, was Alannah’s night. During worship I went over to one of my squad leaders who also went to A&M and asked her to pray over me. I am so thankful that I had someone there who understood what Silver Taps is. Very thankful.
That night we had a squad worship night. The first part of the time I was sad and angry. Then, I was just tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of hurting. Tired of wanting relief from all the feelings I felt like I was drowning in.
So, I asked God for a break. A break from struggling and striving. A break from being upset with God. A break from the depths of sadness I felt I had plummeted to.
And that’s what He gave me.
A break.
The second part of that evening, I sang. For the first time in what feels like forever. I danced. Which I have not done in….a very long time. One of the last times I danced was late one night in front of Alannah while we were studying.
I can’t fully explain what a break means. I do know that it means that I will go back to those emotions. It does not mean I am avoiding my feelings or struggles. It means that God is giving me a breather.
And, man, does it feel nice to breathe.
