The past few days I have been unashamedly angry at God. I’ve told Him and my community. I have yelled at God in my spirit. Chosen to be real and honest with Him. The same with my community. I haven’t yelled at them but I’ve been the most real with them I have been with anyone in my life, even myself. God has revealed to me that I am amazing at faking vulnerability with people. By that I mean that I am good at making the level of vulnerability I show seem like the deepest I can, but it’s not. There is much more depth to me than that. But, that’s changing. The veil has been removed and I am being transformed from glory to glory.
As I have come to these realizations and confessed them to these people that I am continually falling into deeper love with, two things have happened that are outside of my normal self.
1) I’ve started dancing again.
2) I’ve gone swimming. Twice.
These may not seem like huge things to you, but to me they are astronomical. Let me invite you into why.
I grew up dancing in church. Every Sunday almost since I was 11 until I graduated high school. Coming home from college I would even dance on occasions. Although I had a tambourine in hand keeping the beat for many years before the actual dancing began. It became one of my most natural and real forms of worship. I loved it. On the T&D team (tambourine and dance team), we learned about worship. Different kinds of praise. The spiritual battle that is happening all around us and how through worship we change the whole atmosphere. Our tambourines and movements were our swords. Each hit was a punch to the devil’s face and every movement and act of reverence to El Elyon, The God Most High. Dance and worship became a real form of expression to God for me. Expressions of joy, sadness, anger, fighting, believing, leaving things behind, moving on, and so many other things. I loved it. I realize now that I had become ashamed of it though. There’s a reason I only danced when I was back at my home church. I knew they would always be accepting of it. Other people though…touchy. I feared getting looked down on and people thinking I’m weird or “too charismatic” or something. When I was at training camp, I actually danced a little there but it was behind a screen where no one could see me or in the dark of the night so that the least amount of people possible could see me.
Swimming. I know that probably sounds like the most random thing ever. And the fact that it’s hot and humid in Cambodia probably brings most to the thought of, “Why wouldn’t you be swimming in these circumstances?” Again, I loved swimming as a kid but as I’ve gotten older it has become something I mostly avoid. I just haven’t enjoyed it in a long time. The past two days though as I was swimming, I was filled with more laughter and fun than I have been…in what feels like a long time. I won’t call it “forever” but it felt like real laughter for the first time.
These two things are significant for a couple reasons.
Both of these things are manifestations of joy for me. Remember how I said I’ve been really angry with God? I think a better word would be livid. I’ve been livid. Fervently angry with Him. He’s reminded me that although I feel angry I am not anger. That is not who I am. I am filled with His spirit and the fruits of that spirit are love, JOY, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Through these things I know that He is still at work in me and the fruit is present. Having joy doesn’t mean I’m over the anger, but it does mean that He’s working. And I need Him to work with me because anger is not a state I want to stay in forever.
I normally don’t do this but… What are you holding back? What parts of yourself are you hiding from others and yourself? I invite you step out and step into who you are. I want to challenge you, sincerely, to write a comment and call out these things. Bring them to the light and receive what God has for you and says over you. There is power in admittance. What have you got to lose? Fear, feelings of rejection or loneliness? How about what do you have to gain? Love, joy, freedom?
This is a picture God put in my head a while back and when I think of dancing I remember this.
