Recurrently in dismay
I remember to look Your way
My heart may not know where to go
But, Your love to me continually flows
I will trust You, I will lean on You
If I were to sum up the month (well, two weeks so far) in one phrase it would be, “Just roll with it.” I have loved every moment of this month, the beautiful people, the continual pouring of love I have encountered, and the new things I have gotten to experience. Partnering and living with another team has been fun and challenging. I am quite tired but my heart has been so filled. I have shared my testimony multiple times and each time it has shown me a lot about myself.
Something I can see in people’s eyes is loneliness and fear of being purposeless. I know this look because it’s the same look I saw in the mirror in my own eyes for years. The same look that tries to haunt me even now. It often feels like it is lurking in the shadows waiting for the moment it can catch me off guard. I have been searching for my worth for as long as I can remember. It’s a cycle of feeling like I have finally got it figured out only to come crashing down again. And again. And…again. I know my worth is found in Jesus and what He has done for me. Who I am is in Him. Yet, I still struggle to believe that and that who He has made me to be is valuable.
I realize that I have started convincing myself that the problem is me. I am the reason that I can not accept my own worth. And I think it’s at least partially true. The phrase that went through my head the other day is:
I don’t feel valued because I don’t place value on myself.
It’s true. Other people can tell me I’m wonderful, cherished, loved, all the things. But, if I don’t tell myself the same things then I will never accept the words of others either. Including God’s words.
Though this next sentence in itself will sound like a contradiction, I am going to say it anyways. I am a humble person. I would rather put other people above me than have people lift me up. I love to celebrate people and walk with them through their junk. But, what I have learned recently is that I can take humility to an unhealthy level. I think many would agree with me that when it comes to humility the most quoted scripture comes from Philippians 2 – “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.” Yet, we often leave out the rest of the passage. I want to specifically point out the next verse, “Look not only to your own interest but also to the interest of others.”
Wait.
Did you catch what it said there?
“Look NOT ONLY…”
That means that I have to look to my own interests as well as the interest of others. See, God taught me this a few years ago. I have learned how to meet my needs in the midst of business and being tired. I know my breaking points, when to have my introverted time, when to push through and be social, those kinds of things. But, I have not learned how to build myself up with encouragement and placing value on myself. Interests: something that concerns, involves, draws the attention of, or arouses the curiosity of a person. How you view yourself, without a doubt, draws my attention and peaks my curiosity. I know that you have purpose, are loved beyond measure, and, though you may at times feel insignificant in the grand scope of life, have more value placed on you than the sum of all the jewels in the world. That is true to me without question. Your view of yourself is more than likely one of your interests, something that draws your attention. So, I am interested in that because I am interested in you. I know your worth. I believe for it with my whole heart. But, I don’t tend to place that same worth on myself. I am interested in how I view myself, but when I look at myself I tend to only see my downsides. Which, when I hear other people do the same thing to themselves I am quick to point out the lies and tell you who you really are. I need to show the same amount of interest in my own value as I do in everyone else’s. I need to not only look at the interests of others but also to my own. My brain wants to tell me I’m selfish and conceited by doing this, but that isn’t true.
God gave me a picture the other day. In my head I saw a brick house. This house was built of the things I believe about myself. Mixed together were all the truths. . . and the lies. I was immediately frustrated. The lies were spread all throughout the framework of the house, all the way to the ground, and they were crumbly and broken. I knew that the house would not stand. As the lies continued to crumble, leaks would spring up, bugs would enter, and eventually the entire structure would fall down. All the work I had put into building who I am would be demolished. Again. And so the house fell in my head and in it’s place was the rubble. Then, I got another picture. It was the same brick house. But, this time the lies were fewer and they weren’t in the framework until halfway up the side of the house.
Interpretation: Basically, what I realized was that I had been building my house around the lies I believe about myself. Which, for a time will stand. But, eventually the lies start to get so overwhelming that they let in more and more lies. Thus, when I eventually have a realization of all the lies I’m believing or everything becomes too much, the structure I’ve built about myself falls. I basically feel like I am going through an identity crisis all over again. And I feel like I repeat this process all the time. BUT, what God revealed to me through the second house was that every time the house is rebuilt it’s stronger, built on more truth, and less lies. So, although I may still crumble at times, I am continually growing stronger in who I am.
I don’t want the house to keep crumbling and falling in this way. I want to actively and pointedly break down the walls full of lies and weed out all of those pieces. I want to not only have a strong foundation built of truth but I want a solid framework and a leak proof roof that will withstand any storm. That is what I am working for. I don’t know what that looks like exactly. But, God and I are going to walk through it together. Plus, He has also given me a lot of awesome people to help me along the way.
