A Year of True Beginnings…
God, I have no idea what that means.
BUT.
I will follow You anywhere.
Admittedly and in full disclosure, I am afraid to follow You.
I feel as if my insides are shaking at the thought. I feel as though I deserve wrath and judgement. Condemnation and rebuke. Discipline and punishment.
For I have strayed from You.
I have ignored You. Ran away. And turned my face from Your gaze.
YET… I know my God.
You look at me with LOVE in Your eyes. You see the sacrifice of Jesus and You welcome me home like the {prodigal son} I am. You hold me tight and whisper, “I never let you go. And I never will. You. Are. Mine. Beloved.”
Because You are faithful and You are loving. And full of grace and full of forgiveness. You love me over all.
Thank You for Your patience and persistence. For being UNRELENTING.
You are my peace, my Love. You are my joy, my Darling. You are my hope, my Savior, Hero, Friend. Beloved, I love You.
The love in my heart can not be extinguished. Regardless of my feeble mind’s attempts to forget it. My soul is ignited by You.
Love of my life, I am Yours. You are Mine.
I am a happy captive, ensnared by Your love – and I never wish to be released.
Thank You for filling me once again. I love You, my Love.
Amen
This was my first journal entry for 2016. The end of 2015 had been hard and I can honestly say that I did not handle it all that well. But, God is faithful. Seventeen days later I found myself at an extended worship night at my church. During which my pastor received a word for the group that he thought was for a specific person/people. This is not verbatim, but here is the gist:
“I see you five years ago. You answered His call. You’ve been going along, growing, over the years but now you feel like you’re in the desert and you’re full of doubt.”
As he started speaking, I had the thought that there was no way the word would be for me. But, after the first sentence I knew deep in my heart that God was telling me something. The pastor then asked that if the word resonated with you that you raise your hand and we would gather around and pray over you. So, I raised my hand and was filled with tears. The next thing I know I’m wrapped in a warm embrace by a dear friend and there are people placing their hands on me and lifting up my heart in prayer. After, my house church leader came over and said that he had received a picture of me as a lamb and that God was saying not to worry or be afraid because Jesus is my shepherd and He’s taking care of me. So, then, I wept. And I continued to weep through the rest of the night. And then during my 20 minute drive home.
What God reminded me of through that word was of a time when I was eighteen (aka five years ago). At church camp, right before I went to college, I felt like God called me to ministry. The same night was when I heard clearly placed on my heart for the first time, “I just want to love people.” I have never understood what that calling meant, and I still don’t fully understand it. But, on this cold winter night in January of 2016, I knew that it was the beginning of something. I finally admitted to myself that I want to be a missionary. I don’t know what that looks like long term, and, honestly, my focus is not to figure that all out right now. What I do know is that when I started looking into World Race, my heart lit on fire like it never has before and peace flooded into me. I am excited to go places, explore my dreams, and most of all to love people. God is faithful even when it seems like you are left out in the desert waiting on a promise to be fulfilled that was spoken five years before. But, I choose to believe what it says in Isaiah 55:10-11:
“For as the rain and snow come down from heaven and do not return there, but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seeds to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes from My mouth; It shall not return to Me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and it shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”
