So day four of my fast was rough, I really struggled all day and I didn't really understand why. I didn't understand what I was feeling and I was just hungry all the time. And on top of that I have been stuck at home with nothing to do, and no car so I can leave, and no job to support myself. This fast hasn't really been going how I thought it would, I don't feel super close to God, if anything I have felt distanced. So I became really frustrated, as first I thought I was mad at God, but then I realized I was really just mad at myself. I don't even know why exactly I was mad or what I was frustrated about. I felt like God just kinda ditched me. Like He called me to this crazy thing called the World Race and I finally agreed and then He's was just like “Peace! Deuces! See ya when I see ya!” And I was just sitting here like “Hey God, remember me? Rebekah? Your good and faithful servant? Umm yeah over here, you told me to give you this summer and I did, where you at?” and I just got silence. “Umm God? You there? You should be pleased with me, hello I'm fasting! I gave up solid food and everything.” And still nothing.
And finally at 3 o'clock in the morning, I just stopped. I stopped my music, put away Macadellic (my laptop) and just sat in silence, (which scares me, I don't do silence, ever) waiting to hear God.
“Is your fast even about me? Is the World Race even about me anymore?”
“God, of course, I mean yeah, I think so.”
But if I am really honest with myself, it hasn't been. Maybe a little, but then not so much.
My fast became more of a checklist of things to do before I went to bed, research a country, pray for it, read Isaiah, blah blah blah.
And the World Race became a list of all the things that I was going to do, or all the places I was going to go, and how cool I am going to be, how I was going to have to raise this money, and it's just become all about me.
But God is the only reason I am going in the first place, not because I get to go to all these countries and see all these things. But because Jesus Christ is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Because I serve the living God, who has a deep love for this people. People who are lost and broken. Children who are hungry and hurt. I am going on the World Race because God showed me that this world is a mess and when He said, “Whom shall I send?” I said, “SEND ME, LORD! I'LL GO!!” And He said “Go.” I am going on the World Race to see God. I am going on the World Race, because I have made a commitment to blindly follow God wherever He leads and trust Him.
So yeah, that's where I'm at. I'm going to continue praying and fasting, but I'm going to just journal it and keep it between me and God for now.
