I walked into training camp (TC) not knowing anyone. In situations like that, I enjoy getting to know people, but I do not usually want to share about my own things especially not the hard stuff like my very personal struggles that I keep locked up.
I went into the first night of worship not expecting anything because I knew nothing of what was to come, but God did. I broke and I broke hard. God opened my heart up as I prayed for Him to break me open fully and fill me up with Him.
I could not believe it. The girl that did not want to allow her defenses to come down was crying her eyes out the very first night in front of everyone and praying harder than she had ever prayed before. I wanted more of God. Plain and simple.
God knew what was to come for those 10 days and He knew that I needed it because I had started having doubts before TC that maybe the World Race was not the right thing for me, but I kept feeling that God was reminding me that He had called me to this and I knew that. I felt in adequate for the mission and the devil was making sure I did not forget this.
We sang a song that I had never heard before at worship called “Good Good Father” if you have not heard it then go listen to it by Chris Tomlin. It’ll change your life. It changed mine in an instant. It repeats over and over “You’re a good good father, it’s who you are, who you are, who you are and I am loved by you, it’s who I am, who I am, who I am.”
I lost it. I have fought a long time with the feeling that I am not good enough and that God could not love me. For a long time, I thought of God as a judge that could not even look at me because of all the sin I had brought into my life. How could He love me when I have a hard time loving myself?
I came to worship the next more and cried again just as hard and that night and for more days than I wanted to. Crying uncontrollably has been something I hate to do because I always felt that for me to cry was showing weakness. I could not help myself though, the tears just kept coming.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
This verse above does help me change my view though because I did feel God’s power in me as I was broken by Him and was crying. Maybe in a way it was not such a bad thing that I saw it before as weakness because then I would never know how powerful it really is. I saw God move in my life more because I was broken first.
If I think I am doing great and can do things on my own then what can I gain because I already feel like I have it all. But if I bow down before the God of the universe and get real with myself and say that I know how broken and undeserving I am. God has room to grow me and fix the damaged and rotting places with His love and grace for me.
I broke and He began the rebuilding process.
