Have you ever thought you could surprise God? I know that sounds like a crazy question, but sometimes I forget that I am dealing with the God of the universe.
I sat in the living room at our hosts’ house with my entire squad around. Quiet music played in the background and the presence of God overwhelmed us in the room. I could feel Him walking around touching each person as they prayed quietly before taking their communion. I sat curled up on the couch with the pillow in my lap pressed to my mouth as I quietly cried. I tried so hard to not let anyone hear my sobs. I could not figure out what this sudden flood of tears was rushing down my face. I felt completely wrecked. My heart seemed to be beating out of my chest and I knew everyone could hear it.
God was not surprised.
He knew I would be sitting there in my mess because He already knows the broken pieces in my life. In my confusion, God revealed to me the emotion coursing through my body – grief.
I cannot remember a time when I felt this emotion. Grief is something that you have when a loved one dies, not when you experience an intangible feeling of loss. At least that is what I thought. This entire month has been filled with so many days where I have felt completely lost and unable to pin point why. I feared that I had lost my joy. I knew “being a woman of joy” had been spoken over me multiple times, but my grief blinded me from being able to see that.
I am grieving the loss of an identity that I had for myself for several years. I created this identity out of self-protection — an armor that could not be penetrated and would keep me from being hurt and vulnerable. This identity was not my True Self, but instead my False Self that I had become completely accustomed to. I knew how this False Self reacted to situations, what it could handle and what it could not. I knew how to present myself and what words to use that fit this identity (vulnerability was not in my vocabulary).
My True Self was lost in the process. The World Race has brought me to a place where I no longer associate with my False Self. I feel as if I am in limbo with an unknown future. I know my True Self has an identity all it’s own, but I do not know what that identity looks like yet. I am officially being able to move into a stage of finding my True Self. I do not completely know who I am, but I am closer than, when I started this race.
God was not surprised that I was surprised. He knew I would come to this place of grief and He knows how I will get through it and move on. My God is incredible! He has everyone’s life planned out from beginning to end. Chew on that for a minute. How could we ever believe we can make it through this life without trusting God, who is never surprised by anything we do?
