If you’re counting from the first conscious thought I had of God that I can remember, I’ve been a Christian for 20 of my 22 years of life. If you’re counting from the first time I prayed “the prayer”, I’ve been a Christian for 17 of my 22 years of life. If you’re counting from the time I decided to say “yes” to God by being baptized, it’s been 10 years. If you’re counting from the time I fully realized and experienced the enormity of God’s love for me, it’s been 4 years. And if you’re counting from the time I allowed God into the dark, secret areas of my life and began to live in the true freedom of forgiveness, it’s been 2 years.
And yet, there are times where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
I can definitely relate to Paul in Romans 7 when he writes “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the wiling is present in me, but the doing of good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want… For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am!” (7:18-19,22-24a NASB) I feel like if I claim to be a Christian, but don’t portray the Christ I supposedly follow, my claim is naught. I can be so selfish. So focused on the things of this world. Seeking the pleasure of man and not of God. I’ve never suffered for the cause of Christ, because every time it gets hard, I give in.
Although I know that the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and of death (8:2) I feel stuck setting my mind on “the things of the flesh” and not “the things of the Spirit”. And I know that in my flesh it is impossible to please God, but I also know that I “am not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in [me].” (8:9) That verse is so sweet. Again, I am not in the flesh but in the Spirit, since the Spirit of God dwells in me. I trust that to be true, even if it’s not always evident in my life. I cry out “Abba, Father!” and His Spirit testifies with my spirit that I am a child of God’s, and an heir with Christ (8:15-17)
I may not see the end result, but God is not done with me yet. “For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.” (8:22-25)
In my 22 years of life, I have just begun to experience God. I eagerly await my adoption as His daughter when I will be redeemed and no longer struggle. Hope is for things unseen. If God was done with me now, and I never struggled to serve Him, I could not hope for heaven. I could not hope for my spirit to be in one accord with Him. For my mind to be set on the things of the spirit, and not the flesh. For my insecurity, greed, selfishness, and pride to be put to death.
I serve a mighty God, and if I live to see my life reflect this on this earth I will praise His name evermore. But if I do not see that redemption in my life until I am home with Him, I will all the same praise His name. I continually fail to understand why God would choose me out of a sea of people to be His follower. I don’t understand why God would choose to cover my sins with His blood and call me worthy. Holy even. Or why He would use someone like me to go to 11 countries and spread His love to His people. But I guess if I understood God, I would not need Him as my Lord.
