So as I’m writing this it’s nearly 3:30am, but I can’t seem to fall asleep. So what a better place to unload a bunch of extra thoughts leaping their way through my head than this blog? After all, this will be the place where all my emotions, thoughts, fears, experiences, lessons, challenges, and triumphs in the next year or so will be documented. And, as I infer from all those who have gone before me, being a missionary is not all lovey-dovey hearts and roses. There’s hurt, there’s pain, there’s heartache, there’s challenges, and most of all, there’s direct attacks from our enemy. So, if you weren’t expecting to hear me become raw, honest, and open with the good, the bad, and the ugly on this blog, well – get used to it.
And what a better time to start than now?
For those of you reading this that might not be too well-informed with the college schedule of events, next week is finals week. Also known as death week. For me, a perfectionist that probably over-emphasizes grades, finals week is always met with anxiety attacks, panic, and general overwhelm. This year is no different. For the past week or so my stomach has been tied in so many knots from stress that it can’t handle food. Without going into far more detail than anybody needs to know, the little food I have been able to eat hasn’t exactly agreed with my system. On top of that, I have had headaches, back pain, and an inability to sleep. At times I don’t know if I want to cry, scream, or just crawl in a deep, dark hole and never come out.
And as I stated earlier, the enemy loves to attack people doing God’s work. He has definitely been using my stress and sickness to get at me as well. As excited as I should be about this trip, lately I’ve been nothing short of terrified. Can I raise all the support I need while worrying about classes and graduation? How am I supposed to raise the money for this trip when I barely have enough money to feed myself? How am I going to balance preparing for the race while preparing for the MCAT (Medical College Admissions Test – or possibly the hardest, most important exam of my academic career) this spring? The whole process seems overwhelming.
But if you take a closer look at what I’ve been saying, the real problem becomes clear. “What am I going to do?” “Can I handle this?” Somewhere in the mix, I’ve taken the job of my future out of God’s hands and decided that I was going to handle it for myself. … whoops. Nothing works when we try to take control.
Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
Matthew 19:26 “And looking at them Jesus said to them, “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Philippians 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
1 Corinthians 2:9 “but just as it is written, ‘Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him.’”
These are just a few of the many, many verses that promise God’s protection, care, and provision for our lives if we are just willing and able to give Him full reign in our lives.
I just want to ask all of you reading this to join me in prayer that I would remember to surrender my life every day to Christ’s work. That I would give up trying to do everything by my own power, and that I would rest in His strength and offering.
