So many stories, thoughts, and feelings go unspoken. I have been in the Philippines for almost three months, and yet so few people know the stories, thoughts, and feelings that have changed my heart while being here. There really aren’t words, and if you asked me how I’m doing, I genuinely wouldn’t know how to answer. There has been an incredible change in the way I see my life, the lives of others, and God. I feel like my heart has been softened and my eyes have been opened.
When I write in my journal, I can only write praises to the Lord. Somehow, when I sit with Him, I forget all of the things that frustrated me that day, all the things I thought were unfair, all the pain I see – and I just see Him. It’s funny how He does that, and yet, at the end of each day, I’ve been in tears. Why? I don’t know. It goes unspoken, because there are no words to describe it.
The majority of my ministry here has just been getting to know people. I’ve had the chance to meet over a hundred amazing kids, and I’ve been lucky to really get to know a few of them. Oh man, their hearts are beautiful. I wish I could say that they’re even remotely similar to people I’ve met before, but they’re not. The kids I’ve met never had a childhood like America knows it – they became adults long before high school, they’ve carried heavy burdens alone and for others, they’ve given away their education to support their families, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that they would give their lives to the One they find hope in. Yet, in every conversation I’ve had with them about these things, they still see God. They see Him through the eyes of broken homes, broken hearts, and broken spirits, but they still see Him.
There was a time when I felt like I just couldn’t see God at all. I thought that my circumstances and my choices prevented me from it, but I realize now that it was a decision of looking to Him. I felt hopeless, and when we don’t look to God as our only source of hope, then of course we won’t see Him. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the only option for these kids – would they have any hope in life if they didn’t get it from God? To me, though, that only proves Him all the more. What kind of life would I have if I was not certain that there’s a light for the darkness, peace for the weary, and strength for the broken? I can’t comprehend it, and I don’t want to.
I’m thankful that even on the days when I don’t feel near to the Lord, when I don’t understand His plans, and when I don’t see His hand in hard situations, the kids remind of His goodness. In spite of their pain, they have been true examples of humility, kindness, sacrifice, thankfulness, and faithfulness. They seek the Lord in everything, and even though I’m older, I hope to grow into some of the things they have shown me. Their lives began with difficulty, but it’s molded them so well. I don’t even think they see it, yet…. they don’t know who they are in Christ, but when they figure it out I hope they never change, except to know the authority they have in Him.
Albania shaped the way I see myself, but the Philippines changed the way I see the world. Once again, so many of the things I experienced here will go unspoken, but as I prepare to leave, I am certain that they will never be forgotten.
