I’ve learned so much on the race so far…simple things, complex things, just things. Lots of them. I think when I get home, it’ll be hard to not be learning things all the time, because I won’t be forced into it so often. However, the thing I want to talk about now is how I’ve learn to be in pain, and how I’ve learned to hurt. It’s played a pretty special role in my race, and I really think it’ll change the way I see things for the rest of my life.
I knew coming onto the race that there would be some really hard times, and I was right. Sometimes it’s really difficult to live in community, to live with your hosts, to never get a break, to feel like you’re not hearing from the Lord, to feel alone even when you’re surrounded by people. It’s hard to not see my family, to not be able to cry in my mom or sister’s arms…. it’s hard to be in pain so far from home. In saying that, it’s such a different type of pain than the pain I was feeling before I left home.
Before I left home, I let my emotions rule my faith. That sounds bad, because it is. When I felt crappy, my faith would also suffer; I would stop feeling confident in the Lord, and I doubted His good-will for me. However, when I was doing well, my faith would be also – I would feel incredible highs, and terrible lows both spiritually and emotionally. Well, I didn’t want that, but I didn’t understand what changing it would take. I still started the race well, but the way I feel pain has completely changed. What’s my coping mechanism? Christ.
See, there’s this thing called joy, and it’s so different from being happy. Now, I’m happy pretty often, but I’m joyful all the time. In spending so much time with the Lord and experiencing what He wants for me, I have found a deep-rooted joy and my pain is so different than it used to be. The days are still pretty hard, and the hard things are not easy by any means, but it’s not a hopeless pain. The hurt that I experience these days is full of hope and a curiosity for what the Lord is doing in my heart.
One of my leaders told us when we started the race that we would probably never have another nine months of our life that we could solely dedicate to getting closer to the Lord, and she was probably right. Of course I will pursue Jesus for the rest of my life, but this is nine months without distraction. That growth, of course, is not just through service, but through prayer, reading the word, growing in community, worship, and many other things. By God’s grace I have been placed in an environment where my only responsibility is to love God and love others, and it has made such a difference in who I am.
Learning how to hurt has shown me so much more of who Christ is and what He wants for my life. It’s revolutionized the way I see challenges and the way I deal with difficult situations. I’m thankful that this, more than anything, is something I’ve learned and something I’ve been given by the Lord. I genuinely think that changing the way I feel pain was a gift from Christ, and it was the greatest thing He could have given me. It doesn’t mean I’m always optimistic, but I’m always hopeful, and that’s made all the difference.
