Today, not unlike the past few days, has been hard.
I have spent many hours this week trying to gather the little pieces of my heart that I would otherwise leave behind in the hands of my closest friends and my wonderful family.
Today, not unlike the past few days, I have been grieving my “other” future.
I don’t mean that in a weird/sci-fi/double-life type of way — but at the same time, I kind of do. Here’s a time line of the future that I had planned for myself a few years ago.
High school…. not my favorite. It was hard. However, the one thing that made all the hard stuff easier was that I knew, with absolute certainty, what my future would look like. I was completely confident that I would graduate, and that after graduation I would attend college, and after getting a degree, well, I would probably be married by then (because that makes sense), and with my diploma, a degree, and a husband, well…. what plan is better than that one? …Obviously there were specifics, but we don’t need to go there.
I’m sure you’re confused now, because I got the diploma, but obviously my plans have changed.
Take James 4:13-15 into account: “Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.”
Until a year ago, if that, I didn’t realize that my plans could change; I didn’t realize that I had an entire world of options and I could choose almost any of them. And while that sounds all idealistic and inspirational, it was exciting, confusing, and somewhat sad all at the same time. It was exciting, because I realized I was capable of so many things, and that God had blessed me with the abilities to do any of them. It was confusing, because how was I to know which of those things I was “meant to do”? It was sad, because how am I supposed to let go of the only future I had planned for myself?
Well, I didn’t let go of that future, and I don’t have to. I am, though, no longer assuming plans for a future that I cannot control. My plan now is to continue making choices that will glorify God and pray that He will bless those decisions. There has been nothing more humbling in my life so far than the grace of God and His control over my life. His persistence in proving to me over and over that His plan will prevail has often been painfully difficult, but also proved to be beautifully comforting.
Today, not unlike several days in the past few months, I have allowed myself to feel the pain that God’s will can sometimes bring. This is not to say that I’m not rejoicing in the excitement and new experiences that the coming months will bring, but it is an acknowledgment of God’s power in my life.
When I said that I was trying to “gather the little pieces of my heart that I would otherwise leave behind,” …I didn’t mean that negatively. Quite the opposite, actually. In growing closer to God, I have begun taking back the pieces of my heart that I gave away, so that I can return them to the Him.
Proverbs 23:26 is glaringly clear about this and says, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes delights in my ways.”
In a little over a week, I will leave the United States vulnerable and scared of the unknowns that lie ahead. In a little over a week, I will use the heart that God blessed me with to share the news of His sacrifice and grace with people all over the world. Giving this to God is not a question for me; I want Him to have my whole heart to break, heal, change, mold, and use according to His will. I believe that where I am now is where God has called me to be.
Because of that….
Everyday, I am thankful for the times God has broken my heart, because it was broken for Him.
Everyday, I am thankful for the healing that God has done in my life.
Everyday, I am thankful for the things God changed in my life, because it changed my relationship with Him.
Everyday, I am thankful for the way God has molded me, because it only strengthens my trust in Him.
Everyday, I am thankful and excited for the way God has used me and will continue to use me.
In this moment, I am sad because of the relationships lost, the plans changed, and the “good-byes” ….
But today, I am thankful for a heavenly Father who has held me through every part of my life so far, proves His love through every situation, and comforts me with His control over my life and His power.
