“Reflections From Training Camp” #2:
Monday afternoon we drove about an hour northeast of AIM to Unicoi State Park, where we were told we would have two hours to do a “grief journal” – spending time in God’s presence and asking Him what seasons of our lives we needed to grieve before we could fully move forward in His work for us. After about an hour and a half I still hadn’t heard anything from God. I was cold and frustrated, and so I gave up.
One of the AIM staff came over to pray with me after about two hours and I told her how I felt – that I had been able to have a great encounter with God the day before (see my Easter post) but that I felt like I was hitting a brick wall that afternoon. She encouraged me that maybe God was using this time to prepare me for things that I’ll be giving up soon – the close community of my school, my roommates and classmates, and eventually, my family.
After being prayed for I was sent on a walk around the small lake and was encouraged to pick up something that signified a burden in my life. I walked in silence, pondering what this walk was going to lead to. Partway down the trail, I picked up a rock to symbolize the burden of self-esteem, and clutched it like my life depended on it – I was not going to get rid of that burden easily!
Toward the end of the hike we came to a very steep hill and were told to climb it and then make a decision – drop our burden before we came to the road, or continue up another, steeper hill to spend more time and give our burden to Jesus there. I was physically exhausted by the time I got to the level ground by the road, so I sat down on a pile of gravel and just started to pray:
Jesus, take this burden from me. I can’t go on constantly thinking about the way others are viewing me. I can’t sit here and think about how I don’t feel good enough or pretty enough or worthy enough. I can’t allow Satan’s lies to penetrate my spirit anymore. Lord God, I release the burden of low self-esteem to You. Take it away from me. Show me that I am worthy in Your sight, that You love me no matter what. Show me that You care about me, not about what others think about me. I love You, Lord.
God did what I asked Him – He took that burden away. There was a time while I was praying that I simply could not hang on to that rock anymore, and I allowed it to fall from my hands. Finally, I accepted the truth that Jesus loves me no matter what anybody else says, and it was the most freeing experience I ever had.
Since that time, I’ve been tempted to go back and pick up that rock (not that I would literally do it anymore – I’m a 12-hour drive away now)…Satan is trying to attack me, but I know how to fight him off now. I know how to accept God’s truth and use it to drive away Satan’s lies. I’m not going to allow self-esteem to become an issue anymore in my life because God has already taken it away from me. It reminds me of a quote my RA gave my during my freshman year:
“We must take our troubles to the Lord, but we must do more than that,we must leave them there.” (Hannah Whitall Smith)
