So for the past month I’ve had a lot of random things going through my head and have had a really hard time getting them out, but before we go out into the “great unknown” and disappear for the month, I thought I’d try to get some of them out. So this is kind of “blah” but it’s probably the best view in to my head you could get.
Trust: first time I’ve REALLY had to trust completely on God. My background gave me the ability to trust other people or ignore things when they came up, but I can’t do that on the WR. At home I had church & family & close friends to fall back on, or could curl up in my room if I wanted to ignore things. Here I have nothing familiar, nothing comfortable from home, communication with home isn’t the easiest thing in the world because even when there is free internet it’s still hard to get messages across and phone calls are always interrupted b/c skype never works perfectly like I want it to. I have teammates, but haven’t been able to talk through everything with them because they’re still “new” friends (yes, even after four months)…so God is really the only one to turn to. And it’s scary. And tough. And it tends to make life complicated. And when you don’t want to do it (trust), it makes life even harder because you’re never going to grow if you don’t open yourself to God’s working.
Transitioning from three people to fifty-something people: hard. Last month was tough with three but it felt like we were getting somewhere at the end, then thrown back in to first twenty-six and then at least fifty people made me feel like I took five steps back. Hard to figure out quiet times/places to get away when you’re in a big group without a lot of “alone” places, hard to jump in to groups when you always feel like you’re interrupting something or like you’re not wanted there.
Being open: not only do I have to be open with people I didn’t really know five months ago, I also have to be open with myself and with God (and apparently the rest of the world since I’m trying to get these thoughts out in to a blog). Since that’s never come that easy…well…lets just say it hasn’t gotten any easier in the situations I’ve been in the past four months.
Distractions: at home I can distract myself with the internet or books or taking a drive or going to the mall or hanging out with friends. Here, there are different distractions, usually involving something along the lines of getting completely lost in the scrambled eggs that make up my brain. I don’t have many books along (actually, right now someone else is reading my one book and I have somebody else’s one book), the internet costs money almost everywhere we are, I don’t have a car to drive around or a mall to go to or any of the things I’m used to at home…so instead when I don’t want to talk about something or think I usually just retreat in to my head and don’t come back out until someone forces me out.
Quiet times: have always had hard time getting in to routine of good quiet times at home and being on the WR has just made things more complicated. No schedules (or nothing constant anyway), change of location at least once a month if not more frequently, lack of places to go to be alone (which I thought I needed) has just made it that much harder. I’m learning that quiet times don’t always have to be the same, that there can be different elements, different time of day, and as long as I pop my headphones in I can keep myself from being distracted by other people fairly well.
Journaling/blogging: hasn’t been happening so much lately (if you haven’t noticed – very few blogs this month – sorry) …things have gotten stuck in the scrambled eggs in my head and haven’t done very well coming out…or I haven’t had any desire to get them out.
Rain/tears: I prayed for rain this month – not the stuff that falls from the sky, but for God to rain over me – and God sent some (and regular rain fell too). Then I realized rain washes the outside off, but it doesn’t do much for the inside…and that tears would be the internal equivalent of rain – but tears haven’t come for me in a long time and so i’m still waiting for that.
So that’s what’s been in my head most of the month. Take from it what you want. And pray that God helps me continue to get the rest of these thoughts out clearly throughout the next few weeks.
