HELLO FRIENDS!!!
We’re only a week into Nicaragua and it’s already been the toughest week since I left home. We’re at an orphanage turned school, day program and community outreach called CICRIN this month with my whole squad of 20. My team was assigned the role of praying for the organization, kids and surrounding area. That’s all, just pray. No big deal other than the fact that the idea makes me rather uncomfortable. And it’s been ridiculous. I’m actually looking forward to the possibility of switching to some relaxing manual labor next week. I started off on Monday by completely falling apart and a number of my teammates found themselves in similar places during the days that followed. The short version is that I spiraled into a deep dark place that was a like a time traveling vacation back to the hopeless place I was in just before I walked into Christian community 7 years ago. I felt completely alone and unable to reach out to anyone to ask them to sit with me or pull me up, even though any one of my squad would have in a heartbeat. It finally ended when one of my teammates found me that night on her own and yanked me back into the light. It was my darkest loneliest day on the race so far. But it was only a day. When I look back on it now I see how the whole situation has very clear margins. It was like a truck hit me then drove off.
With the help of some prayer and coaxing while I was recovering the next day, I came to some realizations about just how little I trust the people around me. In this case, my team, but it’s not a new problem. A day later I wrote out a list of things about myself and some of my well practiced strategies for keeping people at a safe distance and shared it with my team. I don’t know that I’ve ever verbalized some of the things I told them and most certainly not to a group. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it was actually rather freeing.
It’s been a hard week, but it brought some things to light that surprised me and now I’m surrounded by a group of people who have just become very difficult to hide from on any level. I didn’t let them in because I want them to know me. I did it because I want to be a person who is known and capable of accepting love. I want to be able to live without my defenses because that’s what freedom looks like.
So in summary, we are fighting a spiritual battle, but God is more than able to turn the bad things into amazing things and I’m excited to see what comes next.
Thank you all for coming with me on this journey. I hope I can catch up on pictures next month. Internet is harder to come by right now.
Also, I’ve just been made aware that Thanksgiving is next week. I didn’t notice because I seem to have skipped winter this year. I hope you all have a fantastic one and know that I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you. Please find and eat some yams and dilly bread for me and I’ll be enjoying the plantains for you!
