Hi.
To my dear community who has followed me for the past two+ years on this journey: I cannot thank you enough. To those who sponsored me: you contributed to fundamentally changing who I have become as a person, while also sponsoring dreams to be built, people to be freed, and a growing Kingdom around the world.
Thank you.
So, as most of you are well aware: I am home.
My journey on The World Race begin in January of 2018, when I sat in Eryn’s home and we dreamt about our futures after graduating college.
It’s so funny how much can really happen in just over two years. I have been to 20 countries since this journey began. Eryn met her other half and married him.
Now, in a “silver lining” type-of-way, I have finally been blessed with this moment to sit down and write this in the midst of this global virus pandemic.
It was this morning, dear friends, that I broke down in tears. The morning of March 15th, 2020…It was this morning that it hit me that I am home. I returned to the States almost nine months ago, and have been home in Colorado for almost eight months. And it was today that I cried.
When I say The World Race broke me, I don’t think that does it justice. The World Race shattered me into a million pieces over and over, and before I could gather them up we would switch locations, cross borders, get on 40-hour bus rides, fly to different continents… I was devastatingly torn piece by piece and pinned to so many different people, circumstances, and places. And before I could catch a breath, before I could heal, the process would begin again.
The World Race didn’t break me, it obliterated me.
And that’s exactly what I was hoping for, that’s exactly what I wanted… I just didn’t know it would hurt so bad… I didn’t know the depth of mourning, of excruciating pain, of isolation, of trusting, of exposure that I had just cannon-balled into.
The World Race was so many things to me, to the people I went with, to the people we served and encountered…
When I came home to the States, I was completely numb. I’d succumbed to being so overwhelmed that I literally was shattered into dust. I was frozen, lifeless, and just generally in shock. I couldn’t believe the intensity of what I had just gone through.
And life went on. And so much good has come from this first season of being home. But I didn’t exit the state of shock fully until this morning. That’s how intense it was.
(Here, I have to say thank you to a dear friend. This incredible man came into my life about five months ago, and restarted my heart. He made me promise to dream again, to plan for the future again, to enjoy life again. He sparked what has become my ability to live, heal, and finish processing the most incredible and debilitating year of my life.
So, thank you from the bottom of my heart.)
Now, when I say I was hoping The World Race would obliterate me, I meant it. I wanted to be melted all the way down. I wanted to be formed into something totally new… and, well, that’s exactly what I am in the middle of. And man, it hurts so bad. It is, by far, the most painful and long-term journey I’ve ever walked.
You see, all the way back in 2015, Jesus began a brutal, reckless pursuit of me. And in the years following, I became wildly aware of just how broken I was… NOT because of anything the Bible says, and NOT because of what Christians had to say (but geez they can be mean sometimes). I became aware of how broken I was, and how many lies I believed about myself, because of how GOOD God was to me, because of the breathtakingly adoring words God spoke over me over the course of years.
Jesus gave me infinite worth, and called me His. He spoke life and abundance into my path filled with heartbreak, emptiness, and death.
In 2015, I had decided I wasn’t worth more than my impeccable GPA, how fit my body was, and the ever-so-crushing one-night-stand. You see, just over five years ago, I was sexually assaulted. It was the most violating, scariest thing I hope I ever have to endure. It gave me nightmares, and fears of the dark that still seep into my mind nowadays. I coped with a vicious cycle of grasping at anything that would “give me worth,” which was totally dictated by society: grades, body image, and social status/ interactions. I did whatever I could to maintain all of those things. It was destructive. It was stupid. It was my worldview, and the only thing I knew to do: look good on the outside. And so, I did.
In 2015, in one of my rock bottom moments, I prayed a screaming prayer full of disbelief and curse words. But I told God that if He was “for me and not against me,” to “do something.” Later that year, by a series of miracle events and timing, I ended up transferring to Colorado Christian University. I told God if He was real, He had 2.5 years (my time until graduation) to absolutely prove it. It only took Him 4 months to get through my stubbornness to show me He was real. After that, my time at CCU was learning about who He is, then about who I am. I walked into so much healing and so much freedom. CCU provided a bubble of hope unlike anywhere else I’d ever been to encounter the Lord continually, truly, and fully.
So, in 2018, when I had that conversation with Eryn, I knew if I immediately left university and jumped into the pursuit of a career or money or even a marriage (none of which are bad things!), my old self would overtake the freedom I’d walked into. I knew myself. I knew how broken I still was. I knew that even though I’d walked into knowing God, that my old habits could still consume my life if I gave them a chance.
I knew that if I didn’t find a way to get to know God more, and to die to who I once was, the addictions, the lies, and the brutal reality of pursuit of the perfect image would eat me alive again.
And that’s when God showed me, a broken and divided person, The World Race. In the midst of those fears, and confusion of direction, He put The World Race on my heart.
I wanted to jump into something that would burn to the ground who I was before I met Jesus. I wanted to go through something so intense, I would come out on the other side as something totally new.
That’s when Jesus put it on my heart: my route, my race.
He called me out upon the water, farther than I could ever wander alone. It was all my choice. But I’d gotten to know God well enough (and trust Him enough) to know I’d choose Him over the miserable life I’d create for myself. And so, I went.
And…God and His creation were GLORIOUS. And I got refined drastically, in the most painful of ways. The World Race WAS the most challenging and rewarding thing I have ever done.
Y’all. The people, the places, the cultures, the languages, the art, the familial structures, the communal welcomes, the dancing, the smiles, the laughter, the hope, the heartbreak… it was so beautiful. It was divine. What an exquisite, broken world. I would never trade my experience traveling it for anything. I could go on for literally weeks about it all. Weeks. The world is freaking cool. People are AMAZING all over the globe. Just being able to see 20 countries, just a small sliver of the countries out there, was life-changing.
But it was the way I got to do it: in intense community, with real (harsh af) feedback, with God at the center as the guide… THAT is what made this journey like no other.
As we (my squad) pursued and got refined by the Lord and the church, we got to serve and spread God’s love recklessly.
We were fearless.
There were robberies, and bombings, and air-quality levels that were hazardous to health. We worked with refugees, and extreme poverty, and orphans, and kids in the foster system. We learned words in Spanish and Swahili, and tribal languages, and Vietnamese and Chinese… We were given names in Malay and Rwandan. We got parasites and bug bites, and encountered spiders the size of our palms, and endured weeks of diarrhea. We were hospitalized, and ostracized, and threatened.
AND. We sang. A lot. All over the world. In many languages.
We led vacation Bible schools, and we rebuilt churches, and we fought demons everywhere we went.
We sat with families begging for money on the street just to understand their perspective.
We built businesses, and raised money, and advocated for women’s homes, and helped teach hygiene courses.
We saw the world through so many different worldviews and world religions.
We set people free.
We led people to hope.
We fought for people in the worst, most broken moments of their lives.
We went out AS God’s army to bring the love and hope to people that we had been given…
Because me too.
I’ve been at the rock bottom from addiction, from a self-worth of less-than-zero.
I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to have depression or fear that cripples you so deeply you can’t get out of bed. ME TOO.
But I found something… or rather, He found me. And He’s so good, you guys. He’s so, so good.
I have a foundation that can’t be shaken now. I have died to who I once was. I am new.
Real change and life in abundance are possible. Ask Jesus to show you Himself. He’ll do it. And it’ll change your frickin’ life.
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As the shock of the heavily weighted input load from my time on The World Race wears off today, it is like waking up from a coma. It’s like I’ve been asleep since I got back.
It doesn’t feel like hardly any time has passed these nine months. It feels like I’ll wake up later today still in Indonesia.
It finally happened, though. It hit me: I am home. The World Race is done.
And, to be honest, one of my main thoughts today has been this: when can I go back among the nations? I’m ready again, Lord. Send me.
Really what I’m trying to say in all of this can be summarized this way:
I was lost and broken. Now, I’m found and being made whole.
I was highly susceptible to what the world had to say. Now, I’m rooted in truth.
I am who He says I am. I am a strong, beloved, daughter of the King.
In Him, I am glorious.
God has redeemed all my brokenness, and He uses it for His good.
My story of defeat and shame is being made into a story of victory and glory.
Thank you, World Race, for painfully obliterating me.
Thank you, Jesus, for using that as an opportunity to turn me into something new: the fullest, most abundant, best version of myself that I could ever be.
Today, March 15th, 2020… Today, I am back. Today, I am whole again. He loved my whole heart through.
And I’m finally, FINALLY ready for what’s next.
Thanks for being a part of this journey!
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(PS – don’t y’all worry – I still have the list of post world race questions you all sent me… i plan on answering those next!!!)
