Can a person really change? Why can’t we be of the world and of Heaven?
In case some of you don’t make it to the end of this post, I want you to check out these messages from Jim Burgen… they changed my life:
http://www.flatironschurch.com/sermon/do-you-want-to-change-week-1/
http://www.flatironschurch.com/sermon/more-than-bar-code-christians-week-2/
http://www.flatironschurch.com/sermon/is-it-worth-it-week-3/
This was a lesson I was taught on top of a beautiful mountain that overlooks the city of Cuzco: a house divided amongst itself cannot stand.
And I knew that, of course. Everyone has heard that. But what made it a lesson was how it applied to me.
At this point, already into my second month on The World Race, I had continually been asking the question: “am I growing/ changing?” One of the main purposes of this adventure for me was to finally step into the newness that 2 Corinthians 5:17 talks about. And I didn’t feel like I had at all. I knew seeds were being planted to allow me to do that, but I didn’t see them even starting to grow. Until September 12th, when I had hiked to the Cristo Blanco (a statue overlooking Cuzco, Peru) twice.
Instead of trying to retell all of it, I would rather share straight from my journal entry that day. It’s vulnerable to do this, but it is also real. And if anyone can relate to my story at all, I want them to read the truth:
“I fully surrendered my life/ my foot outside the Kingdom/ my past/ who I used to be/ my old ways. I died to ‘myself.’ And. I stepped into the Kingdom of Heaven. I drew an X in the dirt with a stick to symbolize FROM NOW ON. But before I dove into the future, Jesus asked me to look back.
I reflected on the past 3 years (the three years that I have decided to actually pursue this ‘Christ figure’) via the 3 crosses immediately next to the Cristo, stepping in front of each cross, allowing them to symbolize a year.
Year 1 was God showing me He’s real, and convincing me to start loving/ trusting/ walking with Him. It was God showing me who He is.
Year 2 was about showing me who I was/ am to Him. It was about helping me break the vicious cycles that held me captive/ kept me from Him. It was about healing from trauma and placing my worth in true sources. It was about really starting to give authority to Him that I had promised Him in the year prior. It was about remembering my love for travel/ missions. It was about reconciliation.
The first half of Year 3 was about getting a taste of flourishing. It was a taste of healthy balance, good community, wonderful family, and fulfillment. It was the best semester of my life. It was deciding I wanted the rest of my life to look like that, and deciding to put everything on hold to follow Christ around the world because I knew something was still missing.
Then, it was a storm. Perhaps the longest/ worst one I have ever been through. And I found out my life had structural issues, and when the storm hit, my life fell. The demonic attacks were every day, without ceasing, for almost 7 months… and I lost everything: my family’s well-being, my fitness/health, my friends, my sanity, my peace/joy. And now I know why: a house divided amongst itself cannot stand.
A storm of life hit, and I regressed. I was so split, unfocused, enraged, lonely, helpless, and depleted. Surviving each day became my only goal. I felt stuck in molasses. I was drowning for months on end, so dead energetically/ emotionally/ spiritually. It was perhaps the most painful/ agonizing thing I have ever endured. All I could hope for was the end of that season. I continually wondered where the best season of my life had run off to. And then, 7 months later, the storm came to an end.
And then Year 4 began. And I left for The World Race. Holding on desperately to that taste of abundant life in the beginning of Year 3, yet internally drowned knowing I was not who I wanted to be, but not knowing why of how to get there. But God! had such an incredible & radical plan to celebrate me following Him and choosing Him.
He gave me a glimpse of my path and my future self. He gave me a vision of myself. He broke soul ties. He declared me a disciple, and healed my heart enough so I could start blessing my team with my given strengths/ talents. He showed me, through FLATIRONS CHURCH SERVICES, that training is the way to build a life that stands up when the storms of life hit. So, I kept showing up. He sat me down & had me be still… He told me who I am (who He created me to be) and who I am not. He had me submit to my team, and then unite them. He had my heart posture change – I became okay with abandonment of plans/ my future, money, people, and my physical belongings.”
After reflecting on the past few years, I asked God why something still felt like it was deeply missing in my life. He revealed to me how I had hurt one of my closest friends, and told me to look at it.
“I mourned how I had hurt her- and I hurt that I had still been the type of person to so easily fall into brokenness and ruin things. How had this happened? I took it to Jesus. And then, He told me how… and also how/ why my life had fallen in the past season… I was still divided.
I had not fully admitted to myself or others that I will not be returning to my old lifestyle anymore. I’d left the door open, and still stepped into it often, and it was killing me. I am not that person anymore. I wouldn’t fully commit to Jesus (or lean on Him during seasons of intense spiritual warfare). I wouldn’t fully commit to my friends- always giving them neutral answers, never really showing up for outings that went against who I wanted to become, but never giving my friends a clear idea of where I was at. They just saw me as a friend who barely showed up. I was lukewarm in everything, and standing for nothing led to pervasive emptiness.
So, I had to choose! I had to stop trying to be two people. I chose to permanently abandon (to the best of my ability) the desires of my flesh and operate fully under what Jesus says is right, pure, true, and good. I chose to permanently abandon lukewarmness and be honest about who I am, who I am not, and who Christ is to me with everyone- especially my friends. And then suddenly, I walked into the Kingdom of Heaven.
AND I WAS NEW. I LEGITIMATELY BELIEVE I AM NEW.
I then walked up these stones steps towards Christ (literally!!!) and stepped fully into His Kingdom. I asked Him to prune the divided part of me- and He did. With an ax. I chose then & there to live out of the fullness of who God created me to be. I died to ‘myself’ and became fully His, in His Kingdom, and new.
Everything became so clear. I FOUND IT… what I’ve been pursuing over the past 3+ years… I found myself, all of myself, and my life, all of my life, in Christ. I’m suddenly not split anymore. I’m free, I’m whole, and I’m a full-blown daughter of the King AND a full-blown coheir of the Kingdom.
I’m different! Change happens with Christ, people! I really changed!!! I feel like my life just began. Today was a glorious day: it was the successful, achieved state of arrival after a long, difficult, and rewarding journey or battle(s). Jesus was telling me that in that moment, I had become glorious.
I had arrived.
I’m floored.
And I am home.”
