To be honest, homesickness comes in waves. But, it’s not what you would think.
My homesickness isn’t really towards a specific person or place, but it is more rooted in losing the comforts I had become so accustomed to. I am truly uncomfortable, and it makes me miss where/ when I was comfortable.
I miss having access to gluten-free, vegan, and high-protein foods. My diet is almost completely random abroad, and it is frustrating at times as my body changes in ways that don’t correlate with the goals I have always had for myself.
I miss my gym, kickboxing, and my Beats headphones. I miss weight-lifting and the endorphins that followed each weight-lifting session. I miss having access to literally anything I could want to train physically. It was one of my favorite parts of my life back home. Even if I can find a gym here, I don’t have the transportation, money, or time to join it.
I miss my closet. I do honestly kind of like having an excuse to wear the same six shirts for months on end (it makes getting dressed in the morning very simple), but I certainly miss having a selection, or being able to wear jewelry without fear of it making me a target for robbery. I miss wearing blazers and high-fashion dresses. I miss high-heels and fall boots and being able to chose between 15 different outfits to just go workout. I miss being able to own white-colored clothing (with this lifestyle, it would be ruined in days). I miss my color-coordinated closet and I miss feeling beautiful in what I am wearing. I can’t find my worth in my appearance anymore.
I miss having alone time. Community is so much cooler and so much more demanding than I thought it would be. I have never lived in this intense of a community before, and honestly it is hard to know what to do with it sometimes. It’s hard to do something like this with people I just met a few months ago. It’s hard to be vulnerable with literally everything. I love my team with all my heart, but at times I just want to be alone.
I miss Colorado’s fall- the golden shimmering aspens, the corn mazes, the pumpkin patches, the elk bugles, the beautiful hikes in the crisp fall air. I miss the colors in Rocky Mountain National Park. Fall is my favorite season. I miss haunted houses and trick-or-treaters. I miss Caramel Apple Spices and Chai Soy Lattes at Starbucks. I miss Broncos season, and being able to attend Avalanche games. I miss the smells, I miss the views, and I miss the feel of it. I won’t get to experience anything like it on my race. I miss getting to experience something I know I love, and it is hard trading it in for the unknown.
I miss being able to go to Flatirons Community Church every weekend, and I miss volunteering on the Live Video Production Team. I miss being able to stand in the auditorium in Lafayette and listen to Jim Burgen (or Ben Foote) speak straight truth into my life. I miss the band and the lighting… and I miss seeing people I know in church. I listen online to every service, but… it’s not quite the same.
Sometimes, what I miss makes it hard to be grateful for where I am.
But that’s life, isn’t it?
I know if I was home, I’d be wondering what else was out there in the world. I would have this unsatisfied craving to go explore and experience the cultures that fill the earth. And by choosing to be in the world, I’m missing the comforts of home.
I know full well what I have gotten myself into, and you know what? It’s okay that I am truly, truly uncomfortable. I think it’s really good for me. I believe that discomfort, mixed with intentionality, creates a space where growth flourishes. I have every intention of coming out of The World Race radically changed, and I am so, so thankful that my comfort zone is constantly being stretched and obliterated (even though it isn’t the best feeling in the moment).
I am on an adventure of a lifetime, where I am running hard after God. I am forcing myself to be uncomfortable in order to better understand God, the spiritual realm, the world, and myself.
I am facing my own brokenness, as well as the world’s, with undivided attention for a year. I have every intention of letting Jesus and others shine a spotlight on the most hidden parts of myself and my life. I want to bring everything I can into the light, into healing, into fullness, and into abundant life. And the process is painful. I’m being pruned, and I am stepping into the fullness of who I was created to be. But it means that for now, I’m struggling as the comforts of my former life have been stripped away.
God remains good, though. I can see growth already. And I cannot wait to see who I will be when I return to the States next summer.
So.
I am thankful for this season to be radically uncomfortable.
And I am thankful that when this season seems to start to become unbearable, little blessings come my way that make me feel normal again. Like how in my first night in Cuzco, Peru, I had a chance to eat a burger and fries while watching a soccer game on a television at a restaurant. I almost cried of relief because I got a taste of what I am comfortable with again.
But I’m thankful that the discomfort returns. My horizons are continually expanding, and I can promise you this: I will never, ever be the same after my World Race.
