Being vulnerable has never been an easy thing for me. I could write pages of things that have happened to me in the past that can excuse my lack of trust and my reasoning for having a guard up to people, but I am choosing not to label what happened to me as an excuse anymore. These next several blog posts are going to be extremely vulnerable, raw, and a bit explicit. Please note; I am not looking for pity or sympathy or justification. I am releasing the freedom I found in all of this through a platform that I believe can and will make a difference in peoples lives. I am ready to share my story. I am confident that I am not alone in this. I am FREE from guilt, shame, and rejection. I believe that the reason my story happened the way it did was because the plans for my life are far greater than I allow myself. Papa God has something BIG in store and I can bet sharing my testimonies carries a key piece in that. I am nervous, excited, and a bit nauseas blogging about the details but this is real life.
For so long I have chased the freedom of many things. The hardest one by far has been rejection, something so common in our society. I’ve gone through seasons of change feeling like, “Okay, maybe this is it! Maybe I don’t have to feel so rejected anymore.”. Then seasons of, “Why is this still a thing… I thought I dealt with this already?”. And truth be told those seasons would flip flop back and forth all the time. I would have waves of “I love who I am and I don’t care who/what anybody has to say”, and then having mental breakdowns because I wasn’t invited to certain events. It was in those moments of not being included, broken up with, or simply not thought of that later sent me down a spiral of thoughts. Those thoughts were crushing and did nothing but tear me down. They screamed lies that made me believe I was forgotten already, wasn’t worth it, not cool enough, smart enough, trendy enough, athletic enough, funny enough, pretty enough, good enough, just enough period, etc. Those were lies I listened to after having actions back them up. In my life I have been rejected and hurt and felt guilt and shame for several things. I affirmed those lies simply by the actions of a few people, that I have “forgiven”, many times now might I add. Once you read my stories, maybe you’ll see that it truly has taken me several tries to forgive but that’s not the point. True forgiveness creates space for true freedom.
All throughout training camp I felt as though every single message was redirected to one main thing: YOU ARE LOVED, PERIOD! You cannot go out and be love to the nations if you yourself don’t know and believe just how loved you really are. I am desperately sought after, chased down, mesmerizing, adorned and cherished by the Creator of all existence. And to be able to say that, write it and believe it to be truer than true is FREEDOM! How did I get here? Well, days and days of digging deep to find the source. I was graciously lead during camp to find the “root” of many issues. I could no longer continue to forgive little branches (the high school kids who made me feel bad about my relationships and myself, etc.). Nor could I keep forgiving and rehashing at the tree (rejection, shame, guilt). I dug deep and found the roots (specific people, times, and occurrences; big or small). The roots were really tough to recall, acknowledge, forgive and move forward from. Some roots that were dug up actually surprised me because I never switched my perspective to see or acknowledged a good deal of my hurts. Many were my own sensitivities but realizing they were a root of why I felt rejected in several situations allowed me to actually forgive and create space for love. In this series of blog posts I want to share my core roots in detail so that maybe someone else can find their root, forgive, and create space for something greater.
To my readers who decide to stick it out and read till the end, thank you. Thank you for reading through lenses of grace. Thank you for allowing me to share my story and for being invested in it. Thank you for not comparing. Reading this series may not be easy for some and if something is triggered during any posts I pray that you feel some sort of comfort knowing you are not alone. Know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are worth fighting for. You are loved. It is not your fault. Freedom from whatever it may be is so real, and you CAN have it. Seek help. Share your story. Allow your negative spaces to be filled with something unimaginable. Jesus saves, heals, loves, and wipes it all away. Just say, “YES”!
~written in love by your local gypsy
