1: The years I got to know you and fall in love for the first time are something I won’t ever wish to change. I loved you with an unhealthy amount of my heart. It came so easily with you. We were young and the world was ours. You were a football stud! Watching you on the sidelines with my face painted screaming for #5 will forever be a highlight of my high school years. But our innocence and curiosity got the best of us and our relationship. I was getting more involved in the party scene and for so long I blamed myself for showing you that life. I’ve learned to forgive myself and realized your choices were your own. Our cute dinner dates in the park eventually turned into smoking marijuana and underaged drinking. It was when you went quiet on me that I knew something more was going on but I wasn’t willing to face it. I wanted us to still be young and in love. What I didn’t realize was that you were selling. Selling more than just pot, but adderall and cocaine. I never wanted to be involved but simply being your girlfriend made me involved. I would drive us places and not ask questions during our “pit stops”. My senior year, it was my final football banquet and you were supposed to be there with me. I couldn’t wait to show you my dress, but you never showed up. You were supposed to receive awards and even the coaches didn’t know where you were or what had happened to you. Days later I get a letter from you. You had been in jail. “At least he wrote me”, I thought. I accepted the love I thought I deserved. We didn’t last much longer after that.
2: Oh the joys of Tinder. Just don’t do it. I still stand by this. We don’t make our friends from apps why should we meet our “soulmates” through one. Anyways… long story short, I met him on tinder. We grew close fast. And again I accepted the love I thought I deserved. He struggled with multiple personality disorder and depression. I kept putting the blame on myself. His mother loved me and felt I was good for him! Sure maybe I was but he wasn’t good for me. Before I could be honest enough with myself and let him go I made the poor choice of quitting my job and moving in with him and his family. I was doing well on my own in Seal Beach. His family made an offer I couldn’t refuse. They wanted to let me continue my massage practice in the comfort of their home. I painted the room, made business cards, and had my mail forwarded to my new address. A week into living there the parents told me they were going to use the room while they get a divorce and sleep in separate rooms. So not only did I quit my job, move my life, and fall for an employment scam, two months later I was single and homeless. Thank God for people who stepped up for me. The family I was part time nannying for took me in to be their live in full time nanny. Bright side, now we’re family.
3: The one who I really thought had it all… you’re such a good man. We did everything right (so I thought). We dated. We had the same beliefs. We wanted the same things. We traveled for months together. We fell in love. We trusted, challenged, and discovered each other more and more. But your mother’s disapproval and judgments towards me were too much. That was the final time I accepted the love I thought I deserved. Your mom and your sister would have never accepted me for whatever reasons. And you… you weren’t ready to choose between creating a family of your own and being mama’s baby boy. I wasn’t willing to let you make that choice either. You shouldn’t have to. We grew apart. Started fighting. And you had questions I couldn’t answer for you. Right when we got back from our three months in Spain we got our place together and two days after signing that lease we broke up. Left with a broken lease and a broken heart I slowly started to build up my savings and put the pieces of my heart back together.
It’s like I allow more salt into the wound of rejection. No more though, I am healed. I am freed from thinking such shallow thoughts about myself. I am redeemed from my past and the past hurts.
One truth I’ve learned from my exes is that a stranger’s love will always be just that. Until I have pure, full, and surrendered communion with the Father I will never understand true love. It will always be a stranger’s love. I am committed to falling more in love with Jesus for the rest of my life. Not to avoid getting hurt or rejected again but because that’s what we are made to do. We are all in search of belonging, and in Him we find it. We find it all; perfect love, joy, peace, happiness, acceptance, and friendship. Never again will I settle for the love I think I deserve. I’ve known true love because I’ve sought after His heart, His face, and how He views me. I am the King’s favorite girl and He knows all the right things to say. I’m so in love with a God who knows me, who satisfies and never leaves me lonely. You deserve this too. He wants you and He will never stop choosing you day in and day out. Just say yes to the best love, JESUS!
~written in love by your local gypsy
