I could sit here and type out the countless testimonies we have had the privilege of witnessing in the last week but then I would just be copying and pasting what most of you have already read on Facebook.
Blog Password: YOUARELOVED
(If you haven’t please please please let me know so I can add you to the page, it’s super rad stuff you do NOT want to miss).
Rather than sharing those again, I want you all to be well aware that this is not just my journey. It is OURS! So my blog is a space to let you in on it and for us to grow together.
The day before I left for launch I got a call from Stephanie (my squad mentor) that sent everything in a totally new direction… so I thought. Stephanie had one life chaining question for me. Let me first explain a little bit about the logistics of how we get sent out in a safe way.
Y-squad consists of 18 amazing humans, 8 dilagent leaders, broken down into 4 small teams.
We have our squad mentor: Stephanie. She stays back in the states and intercedes for us and helps in any way she can over the web, phone calls, and WhatsApp. She and our coaches, Jane and Mark (also a key role), will be present at debriefs every 2-3 months in major cities around the world.
Next, we have our squad leaders: Eric and Tamara (world race alumni) they will be on the field with us for the first 5 months going from team to team to make sure everything is flowing well.
Then team leaders: Sam, Denise, Kelsey, and (spoiler alert!) me. Team leaders are usually race alumni as well, and they stay out on the field for the first 3 months with one individual team.
Originally my team, Sweet and Sour Pork, was assigned to get Shela as our team leader and when things fell through leadership prayed into who should fill that role and they chose me. Haha… let me rephrase. Holy Spirit chose me, they just listened and responded.
When Stephanie called to ask if I would consider being a TL I laughed and then click (that’s all I remember). I was in shock. I hesitated, wrestled, cried, prayed, and felt I was so so so unqualified for this leadership position. I was NOT about it.
Turns out, this IS the direction that was planned for my race all along. It wasn’t a “new” direction in God’s eyes it was the plan from the beginning. He knew I couldn’t know any sooner than the very last minute. I would have been striving all summer long to do, become, learn all these new tactics to try and do something only He can do. I am beyond unqualified for this position. I have never been on the race let alone lead a team for missions. Sure, I have had several leadership roles even ones where I was leading people much older than me. Yet here we are, and I am reminding myself every day that He alone qualifies me. Something about the weight of responsibility made me stop in my tracks the day Stephanie called. I freaked out quite a bit, and then called her back to apologize for being a bit rude, and then I said, “YES!”
My “yes” was changing my race but in the most beautiful way. I no longer have a choice but to solely rely on the Creator of my existence. When I have questions, and obviously I have countless, I have one option… ASK HOLY SPIRIT. When I feel alone in this new team dynamic I have Him as a listening ear and friend. When I feel like giving up He gets to remind me who I am and how far we have come. Relying on Him in everything has been challenging, not because I doubt His faithfulness but because sometimes I feel like “ugh, we’ve already been through this…why are we back here again?” And His response is so sweet, “Let’s do it together in new ways.”
My team is so unique, hence our team name: Sweet and Sour Pork. We all have so many different flavors of perspectives, theologies, and ideas to bring to the table. A little bit of Elijah, a dash of Jake, a hint of Laura Leigh, add some Sarah, and a splash of me to create something so delicious that people will remember it forever. We are challenging, daring, bold, loving, creative, spontaneous, fierce, and devoted to making this experience one of discovery. We believe in each other. We fight for one another. We are becoming a family.
In order to lead this team well, I have been asking Papa God some crucial questions and really pondering why He chose me. I believe it was not by accident, and that I am ready for this. I believe He chose me because He sees I am ready to walk well in this next season of intimacy more closely than ever before. I am committed to seeking His answers above anyone else and in return, humble myself to share what I will continue to learn with my team. On most days I have been struggling with taking this role too seriously, and creating this stupid amount of pressure in my own head. I think because I have some experience leading, traveling, and some knowledge about some things I instantly hold myself to a higher standard. As if I should know how to get things done and do them right already when in reality, no one on my team is expecting me to get it perfect right off the bat or ever for that matter. None of them are putting this pressure on me. None of them are making me feel like I have to have all the answers or that I should be afraid to fail because then, that would mean leadership chose wrong. That’s all just lies I believe, pressures I build up, and standards I set for myself that I don’t have to.
I have an issue I would love to bring to light. It is vulnerable and yucky but I’m working on it and am going to continue being vulnerable because there is such a freedom in that. I have a tendency to find some self worth in acts of service. So while I am leading this team, and finding any issues, or feeling the need to do things a certain way to help, or make things better or easier in general for the team I will do it. I want the best for this team and I want to serve them well. Of course I don’t want to cater to everyone, nor baby them, nor make them feel comfortable in the slightest. But, in my own weird way, I subconsciously DO want to do those things in order to feel a sense of worth, belonging, and that I am doing a good job in this role of team leader. I want to consider everyone’s feelings and treat them nicely. Truth of the matter is, and I am still reminding myself of this, Jesus was never trying to make people feel comfortable, or acting in order to be liked, worthy, or to feel a sense of belonging. He was showing kindness not niceness, there is a difference. He knew who He was and nothing could lessen that reality. As team leader it is not my job to make everyone happy. People’s reactions cannot determine how good or bad my race is. I have to stay rooted in this truth. God never fails. If I am constantly laying down everything at the feet of Jesus and surrendering my all to Him then I should never fear failure. He works all things for good! I get to live from a place where my reality correlates with His words, “it is finished.” I don’t have to strive to do well, or fight a battle that’s already been won for me. I just get to be in constant communion, communication and admiration of His faithfulness, goodness, and loving kindness. What a relief. I don’t have to live in fear of failure or leading as well as the last person. I just get to be His chosen one, His daughter, His laughing buddy, friend, and vessel. I get to grow in closeness and intimacy with Him and my team. I get to sit in His splendor and be a part of this new family that He has perfectly placed together.
Yeah, so thank you! Thank you for loving me in my mess, mistakes, right doings, and wrong doings. For teaching me to love and lead well without compromise. Thank you for boundless grace and joy in the process. Thank you for reminding me, Papa that with you I cannot fail. I am happy and excited to grow with You and my team. I am relived that there is no such pressure put on me to excel as team leader. It is truly an honor to be here, accepted and loved exactly where I am. Thank you for believing in me. I’m comforted in knowing it is already finished and I can laugh without fear of the future. Thank you for choosing me every second of everyday. I love you heaps Papa. I am now totally about this team leading thing.
~written in love by your local gypsy
