So sorry to cause worry to you all!!!! This was a blog I wrote in Month 4 in Thailand. We were at Awakening which is where 4 squads from the race come together for a few days to learn, fellowship, debrief, etc. I was in a much different place back then but I wanted to share my experience. Again, I am so sorry to raise concern. I am doing well, pressing in and trusting the Lord and walking every step with Him and my brother Ralf. Love to all, R
Jesus, I don’t understand what’s going on. I feel like my heart is hardening. Walls are up. I can’t feel you or hear you. I’m surrounded by people yet I feel alone in my confusion. The feeling of being perceived a certain way has me crippled, overexposed and under a microscope. I don’t know how to take the next step. My perception is skewed and actions are not matching up with words. What am I to do? Who am I supposed to go to? Where are you taking me? You know my heart more intimately than I can comprehend, yet my heart is hidden from me. How do I press in, who can I trust? The enemy has made me feel completely unsafe with my own team. It’s as though trust has been broken.
I see the past pushing to the surface. When things get tough, when inferiority and criticism are lurking, my flesh would rather give up or run away or stuff down rather than work through and give more. Clearly, healthy relationships are hard and community living is new territory I feel unable to navigate the beautiful and harsh terrain. I see it like a tape on repeat. I don’t feel worthy to express my feelings, my feelings don’t matter and are disregarded or unheard, so the problem is clearly me. Always lacking, always defeated. So, with my tail between my legs, I come to you to apologize and take responsibility. Your words say you want to be there and help and love me through; you keep yourself at a distance rather than just sitting with me and showing you care. Words appear empty even if they are well intentioned. In my experience words can bring more harm and hurt rather than life. They cut deep or are said to fill space, not carefully filtered or protected.
Jesus, You are not a God of confusion, it is Satan who has been plaguing my mind so scandalously. But You have loved me so well. In this time of not hearing or seeing You, You have brought people who have shared Your truth over me. You love me, I am free, the chains of bondage have been broken. I am a warrior, You have forgiven me of so much and I am to forgive others as You have. Forgiveness brings healing. Do I truly forgive, Lord?
I have been taught and coached to speak death over myself for almost thirty years. The enemy has continuously fought for my attention. I easily believe his lies and fall prey to his schemes. It is an awful place to be, to live on this Earth and not know I am fully loved by my Father. My one purpose in life is to know I am truly, one hundred percent loved by Jesus. And I can’t say that I believe it to be true. Jesus, I seek You, I want to hear You, yet the silence can be deafening. I feel consistently vulnerable, willing to be exposed and share any part of my story. This leaves me standing, walking, kneeling before Your cross. I walk out alone, barefoot, bruised, naked. Am I the only one?
And I was the only one to walk out. Walk out into the middle of the room, in defeat, despair, surrendered, struggling and in pain. Kneeling and shaking. I take steps after You, because You call me. You call me higher and deeper. Yet You still appear to be holding back. What is it? What keeps me questioning Your timing? What are You waiting for? What aren’t You showing me?
Perception from a skewed mind distorts reality. I don’t know how to get back to the place we were before this pattern threatened my refuge, my safety, my Haven. It’s challenging, not knowing what to do or say. To catch yourself in this place before you walk away. Isolating and not giving the girls chosen to walk beside you a chance. Speak up, just tell them how much you miss them. Tell them how broken, tired and unworthy you feel. You just want to be with them, to feel wanted by them and to feel you are enough for them just as you are. They assure me I am but the truth is a hard pill to swallow sometimes even if it is to help you.
How quickly this race has been exposing my flesh. From my pain, skewed perception and lies comes the awakening. The process of me waking to reality. I have a choice, a choice to get out of the victim circle and choose to be a victor. Even with my feelings being valid, taking authority over myself and choosing to proclaim life over myself. Don’t sit in it, push for joy, push for love, push for life. These four days were a battle, as in life, each day can be. My soul has awoken and has been set free. I am enough for Him and that is more than enough for me. I am done leaving the race.
