This last month… halfway through my time in Phnom Penh, Cambodia and up to now in Phuket, Thailand, has been extremely challenging. There have been more tears than I can count, old pain revisited, absolute joys, breakdowns at the corner outdoor coffee shop, falling asleep in public due to pure overwhelming exhaustion, physical illness, emotional breakthroughs, spiritual connections, questions raised, and so much more. The Lord has blessed me with incredible teammates who have challenged me, taught me invaluable lessons, and loved me despite of myself. For the first time maybe ever, I have hope that I can truly change. The below list in no way encompasses all I have learned… but here it is, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
- “Hurt people, hurt people” – This term is not new to me, I’ve heard it before and I have used it in the past to explain others’ actions. At the corner coffee stand in Phuket, Thailand it became very clear. I too have hurt a lot of people in my life. I was reflecting on my childhood which is never fun. I remembered this little girl who felt hated and bullied by so many and that I had every right to identify as a victim. I quickly recognized that I too played a role in hurting others. There’s no doubt that I was hurting as a child. My dad left, my mom was struggling with depression, my sisters were hurting in their own ways, and I felt extremely unsafe and vulnerable. I had no idea how to communicate my feelings and pain. When I felt threatened and attacked by others, once I had enough – anger came out. I went for the “jugular” and said words that would cause the most pain for that individual who was adding to my pain and grief. My actions felt valid at the time: I had every right to defend myself. But afterward there was guilt. Why couldn’t I communicate how I truly felt when given the opportunity to explain myself? Why did I put blame on others? All I wanted was for someone to understand my side and rescue me. My perception let me believe that I wasn’t part of the problem. In my pain, I couldn’t see that I came off wrong, was angry, and made it easy for others to not like me. Heck, I didn’t like me either. Recently, I have seen that in conflict I deflect/shutdown or become passive-aggressive. I recognize the importance of accepting my part in any situation and acknowledging that it’s ok to make mistakes. Hurting people unfortunately is a part of life, but I choose to do the hard thing and apologize for the hurt I caused. I am not a victim.
- I hate commitment – There is no escape in commitment. I can’t hide or give up. My dear teammate, Amanda Cadenhead, gave me incredible feedback. She encouraged me to ask God what it looks like to have long-term commitment in my life. She told me that she believes a desire of mine is to one day be a wife and mother. Being a mother is a life-long commitment. And it clicked. I can’t just shut down and walk way from my “children” or “husband” because things get hard or I am unable to communicate my needs. I truly struggle with commitment. I give up when things get hard, shut down, put walls up, and isolate. This has been a life-long pattern. Commitment makes me feel insecure; there is no escape, it’s vulnerable, it’s exposed. I recognize change is not possible if I am unwilling to stick with things. I desire to be someone who takes initiative and commits. My plan is to start off with small goals and go from there.
- People don’t know what you’re thinking if you don’t communicate – This seems obvious now! But let me tell you, in my mind, I feel that others should know exactly what I’m thinking and what I need without me having to tell them. Oh, how embarrassing to admit. I’d rather be dramatic and all up in my head because you don’t respond or do what I need. It seems harder to express my needs or thoughts – well certainly more vulnerable – but it would cause a lot less frustration for all involved if I just freakin’ said what I meant. It’s ok to let people in and ask them to meet you in your need.
- My perception is often skewed – As a four on the enneagram (thank you Krista Jenkins for bringing me back to reality) I am comfortable in the negativity and melancholy of life. It’s where I live. I perceive 99% of things incorrectly. It causes a lot of unnecessary drama and tension for those around me. I have a difficult time expressing my needs and asking clarifying questions. Jeez, Rebecca! If you don’t understand, just ask for clarification. Communicate! This also ties in to another lesson I learned from my team. I like to think of myself as a deep internal processor. The problem with that is my perception is so skewed that I end up in the darkest of places very quickly. I tend to live in the “what if” and “why did” rather than “it’s ok” learn from it and move on. What a concept! Move on from your mistakes; don’t dwell on them. I sit in the pit and fantasize about how much better life could be rather than taking initiative to get myself to that better place. So, my team has lovingly encouraged me to process things externally so others can help me navigate and speak truth over the lies I’m believing. Right now, my mind is an unhealthy place to be if I don’t let others in.
- Conflict is necessary for healthy relationships – Wow, what a concept. You mean that conflict isn’t the end of the world and it doesn’t mean that something is innately wrong with me at my core? Truth, I avoid conflict like the plague. Any criticism given is perceived negatively. I don’t like the hard discussions. I’d much rather stuff feelings. The problem… resentment. Keeping things in does not help the situation at all. Ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away. It only intensifies the reaction.
- Community is absolute necessary – Don’t stop pursuing people just because they don’t pursue you. One of my core needs is to feel like I’m being pursued or that I am important and significant to others. I want to know you desire to be around me. Eww, gross! Living this thing called the race has taught me the importance of people and living in community. And dare I even say it… I need people!
- God is the author of my story, it’s not about me at all – Back to the enneagram, as a four, there is a need at my core to be authentic and special. Being normal is not acceptable, I am meant to be exceptional. The problem here… it’s all about me. I desire to be truly known and seen by people and forget that my story is not about me at all, but about giving glory to Jesus. Sit down, Rebecca. Let Jesus take over.
- Jesus is not finished – Thank God! Truly! My biggest fear about the race was coming home and wasting my time here and not changing at all. God’s timing is perfect. He knew exactly who to put together on team Haven. He used these women to call me higher, to push me to look at myself and choose to change the things I don’t like about myself. He knew that the time was now to dig deeper into past pain, do inner healings, be delivered from past bondage, dive into His word, choose to speak life over myself, be a warrior, embrace community, trust that people love you even when you try to push them away, and accept that I need people. This is the time to ask questions and learn how to live in His freedom. Jesus, is just getting started; there is so much more to come. This is an extraordinary life and I want to commit to embracing it.
