I’m facing the end of my first month of ministry and I find that I am completely sick of myself. A common theme I have seen over the last several months is my lack of self-confidence. To no surprise it has been something I have struggled with my entire life. Whether fat or thin, crooked teeth or straight teeth, long hair or short hair, I can feel completely ashamed of who I am and how I appear to others. Or really, how I believe others perceive me. When it comes down to it I feel like God did a bad job with me. Now, I realize everything that God says I am… I’m made in His image, I’m his beloved daughter, I am completely whole, uniquely woven together and so on and so forth… just because God says it’s true doesn’t mean for one second that I believe it for myself.
Over this last month on the field I have dealt with tons of emotions. This brings me to why I am so sick of myself, not being able to process the different emotions that are coming to the surface. Comparing myself started right off from the beginning with my teammates. Not only do I feel so inadequate compared to them, I outweigh most of them by at least 150 pounds. There have been numerous situations where my size has been put on display over this passed month. Which completely mortifies me. My sister warned me coming onto the race that I will need to get thick skin. People in other parts of the world are not used to seeing someone my size. I hate that a common theme for my life is being so worried about my physical body, there is so much shame and bondage.
Today I was trying to engage with the kids from the village. I brought out my guitar and as I played and sang, I felt good that I was stepping out of my comfort zone. I don’t like playing in front of people, I don’t like being on display. A little while later we started passing the soccer ball around. The next thing I knew I took a ball right to the face. My immediate reaction was rage. I was quickly able to stop myself and started passing the ball again with a little girl close by. My teammate came out quickly and asked what was wrong, as soon as attention was brought to the situation I was consumed by shame and embarrassment. I turned around and walked into the house and started to cry out of anger. I went right back to that little girl who was made fun of and felt so alone. I couldn’t hold back, I was so emotionally hurt and so sick of myself all at the same time. The ball to the face didn’t even hurt but I couldn’t hold back the emotion. What is wrong with me? I am 34 years old! Why should I care what little kids think of me and that they laugh at me? I am so conflicted. Why can’t I change, what does it take? Where is God in this?
Clearly, I have so much work to do on myself. My perception of myself doesn’t match with what God says about me. God why isn’t your truth enough for me, why don’t I believe you? God, what are you trying to show me? What am I supposed to do? I truly hope that change will come for me and come soon. I don’t want to miss out on all the wonderful opportunities and experiences because I am ashamed of myself and scared to put myself out there. I don’t want to put up walls and give up. I am quickly realizing that this process on the race is not an easy one. It’s not meant to be easy and it’s not about me at all. It’s about bringing love and kingdom to all who I meet. I want to be a light for Jesus and be used for His glory. I really don’t want to continue this negative cycle and doubt God. This process is meant to be challenging and I want to appreciate this beautiful life… so I will keep pressing into Him and reach out for His hand to guide me.
