Good is always coming despite how I feel! These last few months have been a complete whirlwind. I can’t believe, really… truly can’t believe that in two days I fly down to Atlanta for launch. I must admit these last couple weeks I have struggled to handle all the last-minute preparations. I have been caught up in tons of emotion and have gone back and forth between sadness and frustration, which can quickly turn into anger and disappointment. Am I doing/handling things the right way? What it comes down to, I apparently don’t like feeling out of control or that I can’t figure things out on my own or take care of myself by myself. Ha, that’s just funny.
This blog entry is way overdue. Every attempt to sit at my computer or jot my thoughts down in my journal is quickly ended. There are so many thoughts and feelings going through my head and these last couple months I have felt completely frazzled. I would consider myself usually a very organized and responsible person. I like things to be in their perfect place (alphabetized, color coded and evenly spaced) and I find clutter to be a source of anxiety. If you have been around me for the last few weeks you wouldn’t believe that to be true. My belongings are strewn about, I have forgotten to pay bills on time, been back and forth between Virginia and Maryland, my stuff is scattered across multiple homes, forgotten appointments I had scheduled, etc. I’m realizing that when things aren’t in order I feel I must be doing something wrong or I am irresponsible.
Starting this new journey is wonderful but scary. My life as I know it will forever be changed and some things where I found security are no longer with me. Notice here I said things and not Jesus. December 29th, was my last day of work at my job. I had spent 8 years working for one of my sisters and her business partner. 8 years at the same job and I choose to leave it behind to go on the race. I found comfort in getting a paycheck every other week and now I don’t have an income. How will I cover my expenses while I’m gone? December 31st, I said goodbye to something which has been a tremendous source of comfort for the last 11 years of my life. I found out that Bella (my French bulldog) had metastasized cancer in advanced stage which started to affect her breathing. I had to make the heartbreaking choice to put her down and I am left grieving a loss that I was unprepared for. It wasn’t enough time. It’s never enough time when you love something or someone so much. I feel as though chapters of my story have ended and I don’t know how the rest of the story will unfold.
But, God! I mentioned earlier that my comfort and security were found in things. My focus isn’t always trusting Jesus. I was looking to my job to provide financial security and I was looking to Bella to love me unconditionally, no matter what I do or don’t do. So, Rebecca, where is your focus? The truth of the matter is that Jesus is my security whether I feel it, see it or believe it or not. I unexpectedly saw a friend on New Year’s Day. She shared part of a quote that had been meaningful to her, “Good is always coming”.� Wow, do I really believe this? Despite my circumstances or how I may be feeling, this is truth. Good is always coming because of Jesus. I find myself scared to trust that Jesus will provide for my every need. I get worried with things not being resolved in the right time. Therefore, I must be failing. My worldly expectations are simple just that, worldly. I can’t comprehend how every detail will be covered and provided for. And there lies a choice… Do I choose to believe that good is always coming or do I let my circumstances overwhelm me?
There has been a lot of change in these last two weeks alone and a lot more is to come. Jesus, despite how I feel, or my fears, or my grief, I thank you for being my provider and my security. I thank you that you are always constant. I pray that over these next 11 months that my heart would be radically changed for you and your will. I pray to have ears that truly listen, eyes to see beyond myself and circumstances, an open mind and heart and may my tongue be controlled by the Spirit. Let me be bold in my faith and confident in who you have called me to be. Let my focus be on heavenly things and not worldly things. I pray that my mustard seed of faith would be magnified and that you would use me to impact lives in a positive way. Let me love more than I ever thought possible and help me to forgive quickly. May I be a constant source of encouragement. Give me a fire to share your truth and spread your love, mercy, grace and salvation to others without fear. I thank you for this new chapter, for the opportunity to grow, persevere, live boldly. Thank you for the friends and family I am leaving behind and the new ones that are coming with me. Let my mindset be a mindset of joy, goodness and truth and not one of fear. Let me take courage that you are the author of my story and you make my paths straight.“Yet I know that good is coming to me–that good is always coming; though few have at all times the simplicity and the courage to believe it.” – George MacDonald, Scottish author, poet and pastor (1824-1905)
