I have been trying to write a new blog for over a week now and it’s beyond frustrating having such a hard time getting my thoughts out. Everything I write feels like a jumbled mess. I still haven’t processed all that I experienced at training camp and I actually feel more broken than whole these last few days. But here I go anyways!
After reading one of my amazing teammates blog last week about being in love with Jesus, I began to wonder why I don’t love Jesus as much as I want to or I think I should? Its hard to share this with you all, but, I cannot honestly say I am IN LOVE with Jesus. There is something that keeps me from allowing myself to love Him fully. I’ve been asking myself the last few days if I can I trust Jesus with my heart? My mind is so quick to answer with a bold yes, while my heart seems to remain hesitant. How is this even possible? I experience His love, grace and mercy everyday, yet I keep Him at a distance. I don’t trust Him completely with my heart. I don’t trust myself with my heart.
During my 10 days at training camp I experienced one of the most physical, mental and spiritual challenges of my life. I was completely out of my comfort zone in almost every way. One of the requirements for training camp is to complete a 2.2 mile hike in 38 minutes with a 40lb pack on your back. This was a task that I was completely unprepared for. I asked God, well… really, I told God that He would have to do this hike for me as I knew there would be no way that I could do it without Him.
So, as Saturday morning came around I began my hike with a squad logistics staff member by my side. I didn’t know this guy from Adam (his name is Matt) but he chose to walk with me, coach me, encourage me for the majority of my hike. Only leaving for a moment to take care of a sick squad mate and come back to finish with me. I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for Matt, I think I would have given up on myself within the first 10 minutes or so (Thank you, Matt for letting Jesus work through you). I can still hear him telling me to breathe in through my nose and out of my mouth and to use my long legs and push off hard during the exhale. Oh, Matt! So sweet… yet, so pushy 😉
There were multiple times where I would start saying “I can’t” and I would want to stop and Matt would just say he doesn’t want to hear it and not to waist my breath. It seemed like it wasn’t going to be possible but I finally crossed the finish line. Several of my squad mates ran with me the last several yards and the rest cheered me across the finish line. I think I was in absolute shock when I finished. Then something amazing happened, I was told that I made my time! I couldn’t believe it… Jesus did this for me, I actually finished in time and would never have to complete that awful hike again. I got on my knees and praised Him and prayed with my squad. We all did it, we all made our time.
Having an experience like that made me completely overwhelmed. I knew there was no way I could complete that hike on time by myself and Jesus got me through. I felt so loved by Him. I was proud of myself for not giving up even when I wanted to.
Now let me fast forward to 3 hours later… I was walking up to worship with my squad and happened to be talking to Matt. As we were talking he pulled me off to the side as everyone else was going inside for worship and I thought he just wanted to continue our conversation. Angie, one of our squad coaches was with us too. It was then that Matt proceeded to tell me there had been a miscommunication and I in fact had not made my time.
Yes, you are reading this right. I did not make my time. Tears just poured out of me as I wept (heart wrenching, uncontrollable weeping). I couldn’t even process. I was embarrassed, disappointed, hurt. This weeping came from so down deep that I was unable to stop. I stood in the back of worship behind the partition and just let myself cry it out as I sat on the ground. Now, I can see how someone may think, what’s the big deal? Just suck it up and make your time tomorrow when you have to do the hike again. Believe me, I wish I could have motivated myself. But this 5’11, 312 pound overweight woman, who struggles to love herself, who can’t receive compliments from others, who feels so alone, so broken, so unseen, had nothing inside of her that wanted to do the hike again. I wanted a defender, I wanted to defend myself. Do you realize what I just did? I just completed this brutal hike, I was so proud of myself for just crossing the finish line. Two minutes, just two minutes kept me from completing in time.
The next morning, at 6:30am, after getting physically sick throughout the night, it was time to face the mountain again. There was no part of me that wanted to do it. And I was strongly considering not doing it and giving up. Even in this mindset, I could absolutely say that God is good and I knew He was doing something, but I did not understand what He was doing. In the moment I couldn’t trust Him to get me through this. I just felt there was no way it could be done. The thought of having to do this again was making me physically sick and emotionally wrecked. But that didn’t matter, I had to start walking.
2.2 miles… pushing up hills, jogging on flats and running down hills. Matt on one side and my teammate, Emily on another. They coached me, encouraged me, pushed me and pulled me. I learned that hiking with your eyes closed is only possible when you have Matt and Emily with you. Rolling your ankles 6 times is just temporary pain. Falling while running down hill doesn’t mean your allowed to quit.
I had been praying for weeks that God would break my heart for His. At training camp I prayed that He would wreck me. And He absolutely did. I still can’t process or understand how God did what He did at training camp. With 37 seconds to spare, He carried me across the finish line. And as soon as I crossed the finish line it was as though I only had to do the hike once! How is it possible to have a experience like that, where God breaks you then carries you and yet I still can’t trust Him fully? Why don’t I love Him as much as I desire to? Why do I protect my heart from Him?
I may not know the answers now, but one thing I do know for sure, is that God has called me out on the World Race. He knows my heart better than I do. He knows my desires, He knows my fears. He will continue to pursue my heart. He will allow me to question. He will show me where the walls around my heart come from and He will patiently and gently remove them.
So until next time, I will continue to pray that God will break my heart for His, wreck me, change me, build me up, break my walls, show me who I am, help me love others deeply and fall IN LOVE with Him more and more every moment of every day. I can trust Him with my heart, He will show me how.
Xo
Rebecca
Sent from my iPhone
