Jesus, You choose to wash Your disciples’ feet. You even chose to wash the feet of Judas, fully knowing that he would betray You. You even went further and had him sit at the table with You for the last supper. That kind of love, forgiveness and servant-heartedness is hard to comprehend. The ultimate sacrifice, You chose to sacrifice Yourself, You only thirsted because of our sin as we demanded “crucify Him, crucify Him!” We demanded Your death. You didn’t save Yourself, You didn’t think of Yourself. You even proclaimed forgiveness over us while You were suffering.
How is it possible that this kind of love, this outrageous, unfathomable type of love isn’t enough for me? Today, I found myself holding back the emotion as I was discussing Chapter 4, Free to Confess, from the book You Are Free by Rebekah Lyons. As I shared parts with Sylvia from the chapter that stuck out to me, the emotion continued to build. My eyes were welling up and my throat was starting to burn. I tried to push the feelings of sadness down and fight back the tears until I couldn’t. (This crying in public thing is happening way too often for my liking). I go back and I see the words so boldly off the page… “So, I’m not enough for you?” And it hits me – God, You alone are not enough for me. Your love, Your approval is not enough for me. How can I possible say this, feel this and know in my heart that I believe it? And it hits me even deeper – I desire to be needed, wanted, accepted, appreciated and known by others in the world…rather than resting that I am 100 percent desired, accepted, loved, seen and known by my Heavenly Father.
As a new season of the race approaches, I found myself feeling weighed down. I was unable to put a reason with it and I tried to convince myself that I was just being a 4 (#enneagram). The day of our 2nd to last team time together as Team Haven I felt something missing. I looked around at these beautiful ladies and saw that they were joyful, each embracing the moment. Why wasn’t I joyful? And there, a few hours later, it was revealed – while crying at the local Burger King. I don’t feel needed. These girls don’t need me. My mind went to the extreme, feeling as though I had nothing to contribute to the team. These five girls make up Haven. What do I have to offer?
Tears streamed down my face as I spoke these words aloud. I am not needed so, therefore, I am not wanted nor loved. I remembered a thought during our team time, if these girls “needed” me, then they wouldn’t be living out of their fullness with God. Why would I want them to be unhealthy? And truly, I don’t want that for them. But, my reality left me feeling pain and grief. If I can’t help you, what purpose do I have? What do I offer? I realized a lack of being needed and lack of affection from others causes me to feel lonely, unwanted and undesirable. I miss hugging my mamma, my siblings, my nephews and nieces. Separation has allowed me to appreciate my family and friends so much more. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
Days later I find myself back with my whole squad at debrief. The time has come; a new season is here – team changes. As I lay face down on the floor with an envelope under my chest I start to pray. My first thought, Jesus, how am I going to pray for 45 minutes? Rather than praying for just the 6 names on the enclosed piece of paper I began to pray over each squad-mate. The Lord gave me a word for each person. While reflecting over the 30 individuals, I realized that I had a decision to make. I could buy in no matter what names appeared on my paper or I could keep one foot out the door. And it came to me; Jesus, today I commit to choose that You are enough for me. Wow, I have that choice, a choice to choose Jesus everyday no matter my circumstances. I propped myself up on my elbows and slowly tore the envelope open. I began to read the names one by one; Kim (Team Leader), Viktoryia, Rebecca, Vanessa, Briana, Jess W. and Alexis. As soon as I read each name I began to sink. But let me explain… not because of the individuals who were listed but for the individuals who were not listed. To be honest the last few months have been painful… beautiful, but hard. I was hoping that there would be someone on my new team that I had a deep connection with already. A place where I could hide and cope. But God had a different plan.
The time came to “meet” our new teammates and I wept as I hugged each of them. I had to buy in, I had to allow and commit that God would be enough for me in this team. This season of my life is not meant to be comfortable. These ladies are going to continue to push me and love me. God has a lot to teach me. He doesn’t desire for me to stay comfortable or depend on others. He wants me to trust and depend on Him no matter what. But, what is life going to look like for the next few months with these ladies by my side? As I walked a few steps behind my new teammates headed to our first lunch, I had a sense of peace. Jesus, You absolutely know what You are doing. This new season will leave me more bold and confident. I will relentlessly pursue God, myself, my team and others. I will choose every time to take a leap of faith and jump off the edge. I will get out of the boat, I will buy in. I will speak truth, I will be raw, vulnerable and exposed. I will commit to stay and communicate especially when it’s hard. I will choose every day that God is enough for me. I will walk in the freedom I am learning that God has for me.
Just as soon as debrief had started, it came to an end. A new chapter has begun, with new friends and a new me. So, my sweet girls: Kim, Vika, Vanessa, Bri, Jess and Alexis… I’m all in. I will boldly and relentlessly walk off the edge. I choose to be BARE and I am honored to walk and share this journey with you ladies. Can’t wait!
