"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it…
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Psalm 139: 1-6, 23-24
As I've mentioned previously, I like to journal my prayers. "Dear Abba," it begins, and then off I go, telling God everything he already knew about me, and realizing as my pen fills the page how little I know of myself. I have a few blank pages left in my current journal, which I started a year ago. Flipping through the beginning, I am humbled by what God's been doing in my life.
The details of daily life have a way distracting us from the larger purposes of God. By faith we move forward daily, believing that "for those who love God all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28). But, honestly, when you're in the middle of it all, the evidence of this promise can be hard to see. Think about it this way: usually, if I compare yesterday to today, not much has changed. If I assess life like that from one day to the next, after a month of indiscernible changes, I'll conclude that nothing's happening. And if I start believing that nothing's happening, I stop believing God's promises.
This has been a year that I've fought to cling to God, believing his promises when so often, nothing seemed to be changing. I was encouraged by the stories of Abraham, Joseph, David… men who believed God's promises even though they went through years of no change, or, even more discouraging, endless setbacks. I love these verses in Romans 4 about Abraham: "No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." I realize now that I spent this year choosing to trust. When my feelings were hurt, when plans that seemed good changed, when I messed up, I trusted that God was right there with me, loving me.
And, honestly, it didn't seem to make a difference at the time.
But, looking through my journal, I can see that it made a difference now. I can see now that it's hardest to trust when nothing seems to be happening. When life is difficult, clinging to God may end up being our only choice. And when things are going well, it's easy to believe that God is with us and loving us. But, when nothing seems to be changing? Yeah, that's the tough one. But I've got the evidence right there in my journal: the woman on page one isn't the woman who's writing now. Praise God.
Just recently, things started moving fast… lots of changes… and I suspect that it won't be slowing down anytime soon. It's really exciting! And as I prepare to launch from Atlanta in a little over a month (Tuesday, September 6th), there will be plenty of opportunities to practice trusting God- and I encourage you to practice it too. When I return home in the beginning of August next year, I'm confident that you'll be praising God for the big difference he made with your little bits of faith. I can't wait for you to tell me about it…
