I lived for six months with the fear that Adventures in Missions (AIM) was going to send me home. I thought that AIM was evaluating me and would eventually decide I was not healthy enough (emotionally) for the Race. Having Steph and Sara raised up as our squad leaders was especially hard because I had gotten close to Steph in China. The fear said, “Your friend is now the closest ‘AIM representative’ and will be the one to tell you it is time to go.” The fear said, “Be careful how and when you show your grief. Be sure to show progress. Don’t cry too much.”
After our team debrief in Durban at the end of June, Papa T. pulled me aside, put his arm around me, and asked me how I was doing. Along with my tears, the fear poured out. I told him I knew intellectually that it is not true, but the hook was still there. We were already scheduled for a one-on-one in a couple days so he said this is what we would talk about. Before then he wanted me to pray about what the hook might be and to answer the question, “Do you want this hook removed?”
Two days later I sat across from Papa T. having prayed for answers, but not feeling I had any except a deep desire to lose this fear once and for all. God showed me past examples of how this fear had manifested. I worked for a company for over two years and walked into the office nearly every day convinced I was going to be fired, a completely baseless fear. During team activities about fears or lies in China, Swazi, and Lesotho (April-June) I had written “unwanted.” I was tired of this fear, but not sure what more I could do. I had already prayed about it and argued with myself that it was silly and teammates had prayed for me.
Papa T. first asked me to describe Dad (I was determined not to cry through this one-on-one and he had to start there!). Then he asked if I felt accepted by Dad. Yes. He then prayed and shared that he felt God saying I needed to release Dad. That confused me because I have. A few years ago I had released Dad and looked to God as my covering, guide, provider, and protector. Papa T. then said he was going to pray and asked me to share anything that came to mind as he prayed. Before he could even start two memories came to mind.
I’m about eight-years-old standing in my grandparents’ entryway. My brother is waiting at the door to the garage and Grandpa is standing between us. They are going fishing, and I want to go too. On my other side is Mom telling me I am not allowed to go and Grandma standing on the stairs promising me that we will have a fun day, just us girls.
I’m 15 standing in my older brother’s kitchen. My nieces are planning to go into town, and I have come for permission to join them. Mom has told me no.
Again I am confused. These are memories I have worked through. Mom and I have talked about these instances. I know that she knew Grandpa wanted a guys’ day with my brother. I know that she was concerned my nieces would not want me to tag along (I am the youngest). I have repented anger and forgiven Mom for never letting me have any fun (Hey, some of my breakthroughs have not been super mature.) Why are they coming up again? Papa T. likened them to an onion. I had peeled off layers and now we were at the heart.
Papa T. recognized a curse of rejection at the heart.
The enemy saw a hurt and confused little girl and told her she was not wanted. The enemy saw an awkward teen and told her she wouldn’t fit in; she was not wanted. Our enemy is a liar, a thief, and a bully. He, NOT my mom or my grandpa or my family, placed a curse of rejection on me and then used that curse to continually tell me, “no one wants you.” FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS! (That pisses me off!)
My refuge from this curse was my family, especially Dad. Whenever I felt that I was being rejected I would comfort myself with, “It doesn’t matter what so and so thinks. My family loves me. My family accepts me.” That is how I needed to release Dad. God wants to be my refuge, to be the one I look to for unconditionally love and acceptance. The more I turn to Him and seek His ways and His thoughts the more it doesn’t matter what others think.
Papa T. led me in a prayer to break the curse. Nothing miraculous, I didn’t feel different immediately; however, those memories changed. They have always been short, silent movies. Now they are photographs. This is the third time I have redeemed memories and each time the memories themselves change. They become powerless. That is how I know they are finished. Throughout the month I saw the fruit of this broken curse. I felt like the misfit on my team. Yet that didn’t hurt, and I didn’t feel rejected or unwanted. Just different and different is ok.
I am wanted.
