I’ve talked about shaving my head multiple times before. Why was this time right? What changed?
I changed. I’m a new me, so it was time to start over somewhere new.
Many people in my life would be surprised to know how lost I was the past few years. When I was younger, I had no cares, no worries, or anything of the sort. In the past 2 years, I lost my fire. I had no idea who I was anymore. I started to become someone based off of those around me. I started smoking marijuana on a regular basis. For a year and a half, I used it daily. It took over my life and I numbed myself out. I didn’t know what it was to be happy, so I got high. All the time. The people around me became who I was. I liked what they liked, did what they did, and they were what made me, me. I had no idea who I was anymore.
I completely lost me.
This almost prevented me from coming on The World Race. For months, I wouldn’t admit it to myself. How depressed and broken I was. Then, a few weeks before the race, in the middle of the stress of finals, I broke down. I realized that I had been lying to myself. But I pulled myself together, started to smile, hid it all again, and left for the race.
The first 2 months were almost impossible. I struggled everyday, not knowing why. I realized I had no identity because I left the comfort of home and who I was. Home and my friends there were who I was and what I was made of. I had no idea how to be me without it. So then I started clinging to team. I tried to be who they wanted me to be. I searched for acceptance and affirmation in every conversation. I started to drain my team. And they called me out.
I shattered.
I broke into little tiny pieces and I had no idea where to go.
I was crying out and searching for anything to help put me back together. I was crying all the time and searching for something new.
I knew I had to figure it out or I would fall back into exactly what I wanted to get away from. I tried to figure it out. I tried to fix me. I tried to change.
But that was the problem. It was for me. I going at it by myself.
But then God smiled, looked right at me, and reminded me,
“You’re not alone.”
He hit me with it. He picked up every little fragment that fell to the ground and started to glue me back together.
He reminded me of who was and remade me. He gave my a new identity in Him. I started to find me again. He started to fill me with His strength and His love and showed me who I could be in me. He started to make me feel like me again. I found myself. And he just keeps pouring into me every day. He’s shown me what affected me in my past and why I clung to people like I did. And He showed me how good I have it now, here on the race and back home. He’s been showing me how good I have it with Him. He’s started to give me such confidence in my relationship with Him that I feel bolder every day in getting to share with others around me. He’s giving me the strength and fire to share His love and how amazing He can be. That He can be my best friend when I feel like I have no one else to turn to. He’s the first one I want to talk to when I wake up, the one I run to when I need someone to talk to, and the last one I talk to before I close my eyes at night. I was searching for a rock in everyone around me when it was Him along.
He’s started to show me how beautiful I am. He’s taken me and glued me back together. I was shards of broken shells on beach, constantly pounded by waves, breaking more every time. Now I’m a mass of broken pieces remade into a master piece mosaic that the Lord couldn’t
love more. Being myself has given me the self confidence to feel beautiful. To feel like I’m worth something. To feel that I’m worthy of Jesus coming down from heaven and giving His life for me on the cross. Worthy of the love He’s been trying to show me all along. And even though I’m not perfect (and I hope I never will be), I’m the daughter of a king. A beautiful princess that has come home to her father.
A new identity, a new confidence, and a new haircut.
I’m bald, bold, and beautiful.
And it’s all thanks to Him.
