It’s time to get real and withdraw my mask and say to you, I don’t have all my crap together. It has finally hit. The newness has faded. Little did I know when I started the race it would only take two short months to get to this place. It is a hard place–a place of brokenness. Most days I am hot, sweaty, tired and ready to just turn in and say, I can’t do this God.
I feel guilty in a way because this month is all around more comfortable than last month. I have a bed, hot showers, a place to get my laundry done, millions of great coffee shops to choose from, and on top of it all I have loved our ministry. However, if God wants to walk you through your sh*t; He will do just that—walk you through it. I thought I could hide mine for as long as I had too, even if that meant hiding it from the six other girls on my team for 11 months I would surely try. They told us at launch that we would come to this place and I said no way would that be me. I would be on my best behavior for the next 11 months. People would love me. My team would love me. I even felt obligated to be perfect because I took on the role as their team leader. Well, as many of you know already I am not perfect. I have a lot to work through.
Last night I hit the peak of my frustrations. They were a direct result of my “self-life” as A.W. Tozer calls it. Tozer says, “To be specific, the self-sins are self-righteousness, self-pity, self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-admiration, self-love, and a hosts of others like them. They dwell too deep within us and are too much a part of our natures to come to our attention till the light of God is focused upon them.”
In the midst of the storm, where I was trying as hard as possible to run from God’s light, my teammate Whitney approached me. She struggled to gain my attention, but the more I pushed the more she pursued. At one point she wanted me to read two chapters of Seth Barnes book, Kingdom Journeys. The only thought I had in this moment was how much I wanted to take her kindle and throw it across the room. I even visualized it crashing into one of the walls. Through the tears and frustrations I was even able to scream, “WHITNEY THESE FEELINGS ARE NOT OF GOD!!!”
Despite my desire to scream and run away from it all I did as Whitney had encouraged me too. I opened the book and began reading. As I read I felt the weight begin to lift. I felt the hurt dissolving away. In fact I highly encourage everyone to read this book, but especially those about to embark on the Race.
The biggest thing I am taking away from my pit of despair is it is completely normal, and essentially necessary to get to a more intimate place with the Lord. You might even doubt that the brokenness is from God and that He has a purpose in His scraping away of your flesh. It will be painful and others will see it. It is completely unavoidable. You can choose to run or you can choose to seek the Lord, but it is always your choice. Give yourself grace and give others grace as they walk through their stuff too. Most of all don’t let Satan take control and make you think that you are alone. Realize that you are surrounded more than ever.
