God I look to you and you are where my help comes from.
Tonight I was confronted with death, and sadly it was death of an infant not yet 3 months of age. I had that moment where I said Lord I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared to have to help plan a funeral of a baby I do not even know. I was not prepared for her body to be laid out on a mat in front of my team and I.
My mind was running a marathon inside of me. Why? Why would such a thing happen Lord? What do I believe about healing? If I don’t believe she is going to be raised from the dead does that make me a faithless idiot? Lord do you want to heal her? Was it your will? Why?
I cannot say that all my questions have or will ever be answered. What I can say is that God would never will something so terrible. God is not the author of brokenness, but He does say He will be next to the broken hearted and save those crossed in spirit.
What I also know is that God is not a God of condemnation. “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1) His thoughts were not condemning when the baby did not come back to life. He was holding every single one my tears and my teammates tears. He was and will always be proud of me. I am after all His little girl.
I had to learn tonight that God’s agenda does not always add up to my agenda. Yes, I want to see miracles. Yes, I want to see people raised from the dead. More than it all I want to place my eyes on the Lord’s heart and plan. God has never worked the way we expected/expect Him too. That is why we must ask for the peace that surpasses understanding in the moments that we are broken and lacking answers.
