I've seen throughout life that one constant is the relationships we have with others. Whether it is family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, or the guy from the coffee shop, we are constantly interacting with other people.
Sometimes these relationships are great
Sometimes they are not.
But what happens when the relationship isn’t good or bad? What then? Of course we keep the good relationships that bring about positivity and love, support and accountability. And we all like to think we’d get rid of the bad ones that bring only negativity and feelings of shame or guilt. (although it is much easier said than done!) But what about the gray area in between…
I’m not sure when I started thinking about this dichotomy among relationships but it has been on my mind a lot recently. I’ve had to do a lot of re-evaluating the relationships I have in my life, especially this past year. That can be a very tough challenge to undertake.
Making the decision to put God first in my life and trusting His will and not mine was a major turning point. It signified a renewal or revival of sorts from the old life I have let go of. For me it happened so quick, though I cannot put my finger on when. I love the new life I have and wouldn’t trade it for the world. I never thought my life could be this good. God is the only one who can be thanked for that, absolutely none was my own doing.
Although it is easy to love this new lifestyle there are still reminders of the old. Friendships are one of God’s greatest gifts. I would be so lost if I didn’t have the friends I do. However, having to make a conscious effort to let go of any negative relationships was, and still is, something I struggle with greatly. Especially with those ‘gray’ relationships. They aren’t great like my closest friends but they certainly are not bad…These ones are the hardest. Even though I hate to categorize them as ‘bad,’ in a way I do consider them as bad relationships.
I’m sure many of you are wondering why I would use that term for something that doesn’t bring us down, that keeps us the same. Certainly there is nothing negative about staying the same right? If we are staying the same then nothing bad is happening, nothing is bringing us down. I suppose the counter statement would be ‘then what is bringing us up?’ When the answer is ‘nothing’ it gets me thinking about if this is a worthwhile relationship. The reason I say that is because there is no driving force in these kinds of relationships. I consider relationships that keep you the same as the worst kind.
There is no substance there. Nothing to lift you up, to make you want to become a better person. It is going through life in a mediocre fashion. Staying the same means no growth. That can make life pretty boring if you ask me.
When I look at the relationships I have with my closest friends I see how they lift me up, how they encourage me yet keep me accountable, and how they make me want to be a better person. I am pretty blessed that I have a few great friends who inspire me and have touched my heart in a special way. That is what I believe is the solid foundation of a great friendship.
When I look at other relationships in my life I have had to ask myself some very tough questions. Sometimes I hate the answers because I am selfish and sometimes I hate the answers because I know it is the ‘right answer.’ For me though, there are always cues that seem to exemplify what defines the relationship. Too often that gut feeling sinks in and I am left with a tough choice.
The one thing I have noticed when trying to figure out about those ‘gray’ relationships is how things go when everything isn’t perfect. It’s easy to love people when the sun is shining…
..But what happens when it starts to rain?
Do they still treat you with love and respect and knowing you will be forgiven before you even ask for forgiveness? Or are you belittled by them, disrespected by them or made you feel guilty for whatever reason? There are many times I have wanted so badly to react with the latter, letting emotions get the best of me, but I always remind myself of how it feels when I am treated in that way. It’s one of the first and simplest lessons anyone could ever learn; to treat others how you would like to be treated. Disrespect; that is the one thing I cannot stand.
After I looked at some relationships I have I was pretty surprised to see that there were many that fall under the belittled/disrespect/guilt-trip category. Knowing I had some tough decisions to make, not knowing if these relationships have quality and substance or are worth fighting for, I learned to rely on God. Listening to whispers from His heart to mine. Trusting that everything will work out.
A great indicator that I am reminded of in each relationship I have (especially when there is tension) is one of my favorite verses in the whole Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4)…
Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud.
It does not dishonor others
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
That verse ends with ‘faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.'
I know I cannot save every relationship. I know I cannot be friends with everyone. I know I cannot make everyone like me. I can only try so hard and there is only so much I can do. I can try my hardest, but relationships aren’t one sided. At some point I have to figure out if I should let go or try harder.
If they want you in their life they will prove it.
If not, you just have to let them go...
…And that can be the hardest part.
Despite all of that, no matter what happens, there is still one thing I can do:
Love unconditionally
