Sometimes the Lord brings me to a struggle and through a struggle.
He shows me something, and once I see it I then have to do my best to rely on Him and work through it to learn the life lesson and grow closer to Him. Everything He does is to pursue me to come closer to Him and learn to be strengthened by Him and Him alone.
Lately, the Lord has gone about this in a very different way.
I've been struggling. It's mainly been in my mind. Externally I don't think I could be better. I mean, I'm in IRELAND. It's so gorgeous and every time I step outside I'm blown away by the beauty around me. Our ministry is great and I love the church we are working with. It's been pretty much impossible to not have fun here! But throughout the day I catch myself letting my mind run a mile a minute and I think too much.
I felt heavy and weighed down, and I honestly had NO IDEA why. There were situations I would think through to try to see if it would get me to the root of my problem. I would ask God, "God is this it? Is this the issue? Do I need to go deeper with this? What is wrong with me? What are you trying to show me?"
….No Answer. Ugh. So frustrating.
I just wanted to know why I had such a heavy heart and why I couldn't emotionally get out of this slump and just MOVE ON.
One night I just realized I needed prayer. I needed someone else to just hear me out, let me vent, let me process, and just pray for me.
I grabbed my squad mate Ben who is like my big brother, and I just begged him to listen to me and pray for me. Being the awesome bro he is, he gladly accepted.
We went into a room and pretty much as soon as we sat down I just started to cry.
He asked me what was wrong and the most angering part was I had no answer for him.
"I don't know. I honestly have no idea. I feel so weighed down. I haven't been able to be myself. Other people have noticed and asked me what was going on and I don't know what to tell them."
He started to help me process through some things that had happened recently and we attempted to find the answer. Every time I would run through an issue I would feel like I was getting somewhere, but. . .it was never IT.
I never had that feeling of "YES! This is what is wrong and I can see clearly now."
I described it to Ben like I was in this cave trying to dig my way out. I was grabbing rocks left and right and throwing them behind me and breaking through, but there was still this stone wall in front of me. A stone wall that I have no way to get around or through. I didn't even know where to start.
I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I just let loose. I was so frustrated.
Normally when I'm going through something it's so easy to identify the problem. Then I can focus on the issue, dig into the Word and see what it says about that, and just work through it with God.
But this time there was nothing.
Ben didn't know anything to do other than what I had asked for. . .prayer. So he began to pray for me.
I sat there just crying, and I started to picture something.
I was in this big white room and I saw myself on my knees with my face in my hands crying hard. And behind me God stood there just watching me cry. . .
Of course my initial reaction to Him doing this is "Well, JERK! DO something. Say something!"
But I realized that I didn't feel abandoned. I didn't feel unloved. He was there. He was just letting me sit and cry even though I had NO CLUE why.
Ben prayed that I would find peace and that I would be able to feel God and hear His voice.
Although God didn't give me any answers He did tell me that he was watching over me.
He knew exactly what was going on and why I was crying. I didn't need to know.
I started to think about all the times that I just try to plow through my issues and knock em out. I am strengthened by those struggles, and I learn to rely on Him. But I started to think of how much more strength it would take to not just plow through a hard time, but to sit in it. To just plop myself down and not move. It seems crazy. To me it's annoying. ESPECIALLY because I have NO idea what I'm even sitting in.
I can't describe how maddening that is!!
But here is the thing.
After that night of prayer and processing and getting no answers, I've had peace. I haven't felt bad or weighed down. I have felt a weight lifted. Not sure what that weight even was, but. . .I know He has not left my side. He is still standing right there. I haven't figured it all out, but I feel at ease about it. I know it's because of Him.
It's such a weird lesson to learn.
To see that God can have me sit in some mystery struggle, never leave my side, and then lift it from me is so crazy.
I went through the whole process without ever knowing what was going on. He didn't really include me at all.
I guess what I did learn from this is that. . .I have to have to strength and patience to just sit and wait when I don't hear Him. I can't expect to always have the answers when I want them. . if ever.
I trust Him with my life. The good and the bad.
I still don't know what it was about or why I felt the way I did or what could possibly make me cry like that. I hate crying!
As long as I remember that He LOVES me and always has the best for me, I should be able to trust Him whether I have the knowledge or not. It's not about what I know. It's about what He knows. It's not about what I can do to get myself through something WITH Him. It's about Him and only His strength to get me through anything and everything. I don't have to have anything to do with it.
This whole thing was weird and I don't even know if any of this makes ANY sense whatsoever, but I thought it could be worth sharing.
I hope it touches someone else out there to know that it's never about us. It's always completely and totally about Him.
I'm enjoying my time in Coleraine Ireland so much and looking forward to watching Him work.
His presence is SO evident here and I can't get enough of it.
Pray for my Squad as we are really trying to integrate ourselves in to ministry and into the community and that would would leave an impression of Christ here in this town!
Thank you so much for the support!!!
